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littlemissinvisble

It's a bubbly life ^~^

Postpartum depression is very real.

When I first had my baby I felt so guilty for not feeling an immediate connection with her. I feel so grateful for the nurse that calmed me down in the bathroom at the hospital she was an angel.

After having a baby your hormones and emotions can get really messed up. It can feel like you’re not worthy or a good enough mom. What’s the point? When we first got home from the hospital I didn’t want to be left alone with my baby I was too scared. My husband took a few days off of work to be with us and make sure I was ok. I don’t think he understood what I was going through though.

I was scared she wasn’t getting enough to eat. My real milk wasn’t coming in. When my real milk did come in, it was a relief. All of this stress was piling on top of me. I felt angry and suicidal. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. My baby would cry all of the time over nothing as babies do. I found myself getting so angry that I couldn’t have a moment to myself or some peace end quiet.

As the weeks turned to a month I realized it wasn’t baby blues and it was PPD. The feelings weren’t going away. I cut myself for the first time in years. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be alive. I didn’t feel like I was a good enough mom. All of these intense emotions piled up on top of not getting any sleep was a ticking time bomb.

I had to do something about it and I got on antidepressants for it. They worked pretty well. Things are better now. I enjoy being with my baby and watching her hit exciting milestones so far she’s rolled and is now crawling. It all seems to go by so fast. I feel like if I blink I might miss something.

Even now though I don’t feel like myself anymore. I lost lots of friends when I had a baby because nobody wants to hang out with me now that I would have to bring my baby with me to hang out. In a way it made me realize who my real friends were. It all feels incredibly isolating. I feel completely alone.

I decided to start blogging again as an outlet from all of this. It’s all so overwhelming. Anybody have similar experiences with postpartum depression? Anybody else feeling isolated?

What was it like having a baby during the COVID-19 pandemic?

I live in the state of Minnesota and I got pregnant when the COVID pandemic was just starting. I had my beautiful girl December 30th, 2020. I’ve got to say that having a baby during all of this was beyond stressful. If you want to hear about my experiences with it read on.

When we first got pregnant we were so excited, but when we scheduled the first appointment I was told my husband could not come to it. He didn’t get to hear her heartbeat for the first time with me. It’s a moment we will never get back. When I went in they took my temperature and asked me questions about exposure to COVID etc. For weeks my husband was not allowed to come to appointments with me until one day seemingly at random he was allowed to come to appointments with me. He heard our babies heartbeat and eventually got to come to the ultrasound where they reveal the gender. After all of this he wasn’t allowed to come with me to appointments again a few weeks later.

The OBGYN I originally had wasn’t very kind and had a rude demeanor about her. It made me so happy when we moved and I got a new OBGYN she was very kind. It was stressful because we moved at the beginning of December and my baby was due December 22nd. I had to figure out where I would be having my baby super fast.

My new OBGYN let my husband come to my appointments and would wave him past the front desk if I asked the front desk people to call and ask if he could in with me. It was great to have him at all my appointments the last month. If I remember I had an appointment every week.

This new hospital wanted me to take a COVID test every week which seemed ridiculous to me. My husband advocated for me and said no. They didn’t push it any farther. I think it just goes to say don’t be afraid, advocate for yourself and what you are going to put up with. You can’t be afraid to fight for what you’re comfortable with and it’s ok to switch doctors if you don’t like yours. Don’t feel pressured to put up with nonsense bullshit.

My baby wasn’t coming and I was overdue so we had to schedule an induction. They did not make me or my husband wear a mask in our hospital room which was nice. I was only allowed one person so of course I chose my husband. In a way I didn’t mind that because I wouldn’t of really wanted anyone else there anyways.

Let me know what your experience was like having a baby during all this craziness in the comments. Also hi! I haven’t posted anything in a super long time. How is everyone?

Zach. 

Zach. 

You sat across from me with your coffee mug 

Black with no sugar. 

I glanced out the window watching the snowfall

And Madelyn sledding down the hill. 
In her innocence I saw us 

You making hot cocoa with the carefullest delicacy 

After us sledding in -20 degree temperature.

You building a snow fort

Crowning me princess of the castle. 
Christmas music plays fuzzily in the background.

I watch you look dully at your phone

While mom asks how college is. 

It takes me back to when you sang me Christmas hymns 

In a Mickey Mouse voice. 
Mom leaves us alone 

And almost immediately your face turns cold

You insist that mom forced us 

kicking and screaming into this existence.

That every day is a struggle to breathe.
I stare at your body posture

Your hands are wrapped so tightly around the mug that it might break. 

You are a cold engineer fixing capitalism now

Making small talk about the bourgeoisie.

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