Me: I love you
Babe: naw you just love me cause I got you chocolate.
Me: I love you cause I love you. Chocolate is a bonus!
Me: I love you
Babe: naw you just love me cause I got you chocolate.
Me: I love you cause I love you. Chocolate is a bonus!
Hi, so a long time ago in high school I started a blog to vent about my mental health. I was living in a stressful and abusive home environment. The truth is at the time I felt like I would never get better and I didn’t want to live. I had suicidal ideation, I was cutting myself, and I overdosed several times.
Things are so much different now and I feel so much more at peace. I cut out so many negative people that repeatedly hurt me. The thing is blood relations do not mean love. My mom hurt me and I got out of that house at 18 as soon as I possibly could. Two years later I’m living with my fiancé and live 2 hours away from that shitty house.
I wanted to update you all on how I am and what’s going on in my life now. The reason for that is things can get so much better when you least expect them to. There is hope and there are kind and caring people in the world. Not everyone wants to hurt you. You are strong and you can get out. Things might seem complicated, but in the end it’s up to you. It has to come from within you and you have to want to get better.
I love you all.
The last time I wrote a post was nearly 3 months ago needless to say it’s been awhile. Ok, maybe more than awhile. I guess I’ve just been avoiding thinking so much about everything. I’ve been too busy working and with school to write whether it be on this site or just for fun. I haven’t written any poetry or short stories in awhile. I’ve been ultra x10000000000000000000000000000000000000 focused on getting through senior year and it’s only the end of the first quarter coming up, but I think I’ve really taken the time to academically get myself into a good place.
Unfortunately, a lot has happened I’ve shut myself off from people. My older brother passed away nearly a month ago now and it hurts that he’s gone, but what hurts even worse is seeing everyone else in so much pain while all I feel is numbness. I felt nothing regarding his passing until I saw his body in the casket. It looked nothing like him. It looked like a wax figurine from one of those creepy museums. Reality kicked me in the stomach and I couldn’t breathe as I looked at his cold dead body. It wasn’t the brother I used to know it was just the fragments he left behind of himself. It was just a sad excuse of closure he left for us . The last time I had talked to him had been christmas. He seemed fine, but then I came to the conclusion that I am just like him. I bottle everything inside me until I burst and it’s so much agony that I don’t want to live anymore, but I keep smiling because I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do when things are “fine.” None of my attempts worked. When I was in the hospital I felt ashamed and embarrassed to even be in inpatient with all these other suicidal teenagers. I felt embarrassed of my suicidal ideation even though it wasn’t my fault that my brain is completely and utterly screwed up beyond repair. I wonder if that’s what he felt like too. I wonder if he felt that it was all his fault that he couldn’t be happy despite so much good in his life. What’s the point of living in a world where everyone is self diagnosing themselves?
This is just a rant. My inner thoughts…I’m not currently this depressed and things have been looking up for me, but this still weighs heavily on my mind. I know it’s morbid to read, but that’s just how things are right now. They are morbid and dissatisfactory.
-xoxo feel the waves man be one with the waves.
A bubbly cinematic stock character Under the paint of carousel lights A perfect impresssionistic painting A beautiful face, but not in the way one would think so.
Pointillism marks encompass your entire being darling. Glass jagged it imprinted all the lies you told yourself into your skin. You were a manic pixie dream girl, but didn’t serve any purpose in his plotline.
You sat across from me with your coffee mug
Black with no sugar.
I glanced out the window watching the snowfall
And Madelyn sledding down the hill.
In her innocence I saw us
You making hot cocoa with the carefullest delicacy
After us sledding in -20 degree temperature.
You building a snow fort
Crowning me princess of the castle.
Christmas music plays fuzzily in the background.
I watch you look dully at your phone
While mom asks how college is.
It takes me back to when you sang me Christmas hymns
In a Mickey Mouse voice.
Mom leaves us alone
And almost immediately your face turns cold
You insist that mom forced us
kicking and screaming into this existence.
That every day is a struggle to breathe.
I stare at your body posture
Your hands are wrapped so tightly around the mug that it might break.
You are a cold engineer fixing capitalism now
Making small talk about the bourgeoisie.
(The formatting always gets fucked up and I’m too lazy to fix it.)
You told me jokingly that I am a glass half empty type of girl
That you were a glass half full type of gentleman
The significance of this did not make much sense at the time
I looked both ways
I left the gun carefully kept away
I gaged the amount of alcohol in my bloodstream
The glass was more than half empty it was definitely half full
You wandered aimlessly between cars
Anything you could get with the money from your crappy 9 to 5 job you took
Glass jagged it imprinted all the lies you told yourself into your skin
A good friend once told me that it doesn’t matter
The glass is always full half of air and half of water
Neither of our cups were empty
Either way the glass sits right there for everyone to see
You carried your glass in front of you faking fulfillment
I like so many other people didn’t see the small chip in your cup
Until all the water was dripping out of it onto your clothes and into the ground
Perspective, the way we see things. Narrow minded or open minded? That’s all up to you. That’s what I’ve learned.
Today I came out to my mom as bisexual in family therapy it was the most scary thing I’ve ever done. She started crying and told me, “*insert my name here* you’re a beautiful and smart girl and you deserve to be happy and I love you no matter what.”
It felt underwhelming. I thought she was going to tell me to go to hell because of the church she attends. The people there are narrow minded so I in a way stereotyped her as one of them. That makes me the narrow minded one doesn’t it? She told me it doesn’t matter because I’m me and even though she is sad we don’t share the same beliefs that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. She told me if I get anything out of outpatient she wants me to be able to be more accepting of myself and to stop pushing her away because I pushed so hard she took a step back. I hadn’t considered that…
IN LOVING MEMORY
A romantic comedy
Littlemissinvisble (that prime replacement of my actual name though).
Elanora- Was a nurse during the Vietnam war and now takes care of her grandchildren while her daughter is busy putting in hours.
Sophie- an elementary schooler who is very idealistic and happens to be eight years old.
Zach- A middle schooler who finds war stuff very interesting like any boy. He is twelve years old and figuring out life for himself.
Lisa- Zach and Sophie’s mom. She loves her children very much, but is very busy as she just got a promotion and is a nurse at a hospital.
Hank- a Vietnam war veteran with a good sense of humor.
A bedroom. Nighttime. Two twin size beds.
Elanora is with her two grandchildren Sophie and Zach.
ELANORA: He was handsome and brave. A true family man.
SOPHIE: Grandma, when did you and grandpa meet?
ELANORA: A long time ago I was a nurse and he was a soldier.
SOPHIE: Wow! Did you see people’s heads explode in Vietnam?
ELANORA: No haha that didn’t happen..but Soph you’re too young to be talking about this.
SOPHIE: My brother Zach says that there were lots of cool explosions and stuff and that if I’m not careful and don’t listen to what he says I could get blown to pieces.
ZACH: Yeah there were also lots of bombings and people lighting themselves up like matches!
ELANORA: Oh my. Let me tell you how it really happened. (Tucks Sophie into bed)
ELANORA: But you have to be extra quiet and pay attention ok?
ZACH: I’ll pay the most attention.
ELANORA: I was a nurse and there were several young men usually nineteen year olds being drafted into the war effort. One stood out to me he had the most beautiful blue eyes and a captivating smile.
ZACH: This is lame and mushy where’s the good stuff?
SOPHIE: I think it’s romantic.
ELANORA: Hush both of you. It all started when the president told the American people that the north Vietnamese had purposely fired at an American ship at the gulf of Tonkin.
ZACH: I heard that was a lie.
ELANORA: All these men would come to the medical centers with just horrifying wounds from combat, but it was so rewarding to know that I was helping in some way. And besides it was way more interesting than staying at home.
ZACH: Did you ever save somebody’s life?
ELANORA: Yes, I did but it wasn’t like today Zach our resources were so different back then. Want to hear a really cool story?
ZACH: Yes, let’s get to the good stuff.
ELANORA: I remember there was once this man probably in his early twenties or something. He got shot through the cheek he was pouring water through the hole in his cheek (mocks man tilting head) and he kept saying look at what I can do.
ZACH: That’s so cool I want to have a hole in my cheek so I can pour water through it
SOPHIE: No, Zach that’s so gross. How could you eat wouldn’t it just fall out of your cheek?
ZACH: I didn’t think of that.
SOPHIE: Grams are you ever going to love again now that gramps is gone?
ZACH: No way she’s too old.
Doorway to Elanora’s home.
LISA: I hope Sophie was well behaved for you mom.
ELANORA: Oh Sophie is always a joy, but Lisa I really think it’s necessary for you to be around both of them more Zach and Soph.
LISA: I know. I know don’t hassle me I have just been super busy what with this new job promotion and learning everything at the hospital. (Runs hands through hair)
SOPHIE: Grandma told me that in Vietnam people’s heads exploded! And that there was this guy who had a hole in his cheek!
ELANORA: Soph, come on work with me here.
LISA: Mom that’s totally inappropriate.
ZACH: Mom it was the coolest ever and I totally want a hole in my cheek.
LISA: (Looks disappointed towards Elanora) Mother!
ELANORA: Hey I cautioned them and besides it was just a bedtime story!
LISA: Well mom it was good seeing you c’mon Soph, Zach attack. Thank you so much mom.
ELANORA: Anytime love.
The Vietnam veterans memorial. Washington D.C. Elanoara and Zach/Sophie are touring. There are a few visitors and one of them an older gentleman stands out.
ZACH: Wow grams those are a lot of names.
ELANORA: You bet.
SOPHIE: Grams are all these people dead?
ELANORA: Most, yes but some were missing in action.
SOPHIE: What does that mean?
Enter Hank who had been standing nearby.
HANK: It means they went missing during combat and were never found. Some of them are even classified as K.I.A. Or killed in action.
ZACH: Wow, they must’ve gotten blown up that’s so cool!
HANK: Not quite, but it’s a possibility.
ELANORA: (Sarcastically) Oh don’t encourage them.
HANK: I’m so sorry. I’m just very well read on the subject I served with my brother.
ELANORA: No no I really must thank you, I’ve never taken the time to come to the memorial, but after my bedtime story last night Soph and Zach insisted we had to come.
HANK: And I on the other hand visit way too often. I guess you could call me an expert on the memorial. My names Hank it’s nice to meet you all.
ZACH: Yeah it’s nice to meet you too (fist bumps)
SOPHIE: Wow look you can see your reflection in it. (Sticks out tongue)
HANK: Yeah it’s a link between the present and past by letting you see yourself reflected over their names.
ELANORA: That’s so profound.
ZACH: I’m hungry.
SOPHIE: (whiny) Can you stop whining about your stomach for a second? Hank was talking.
HANK: Oh little darlin’ it’s ok don’t you worry about it.
ELANORA: Hank I’m so sorry about Zach’s manners you really must forgive him. Puberty am I right?
ZACH: What’s that?
HANK: That’s quite alright I didn’t mean to interrupt your tour of the memorial miss I just couldn’t help myself. Your grandchildren are just darling and you all seemed a wee bit lost anyways.
ELANORA: Ok ok everybody calm down let’s go and enjoy our lunch and then come back and look at other stuff.
SOPHIE: Did you bring the cookies grams?
ELANORA: Of course sweetheart what kind of grandmother would I be if I didn’t bring chocolate chip cookies for my favorite granddaughter.
ZACH: hurry up you guys.
SOPHIE: Can Hank come too–
ELANORA: –Sweetheart don’t hustle him I’m sure he has other things to attend to.
HANK: Actually I would love to miss if that’s alright with you?
ELANORA: Oh that would be lovely if you’re sure you can spare the time.
HANK: For a lovely lady such as yourself it’d be my pleasure to.
Sitting at a picnic table. Secluded.
HANK: I remember being nervous about leaving my wife Jane behind because we had recently found out she was pregnant with our baby.
ELANORA: My goodness that must have been very nerve wracking for you. At least you got to return home to your sweetheart.
SOPHIE: That’s so romantic grams.
HANK: Actually, my wife died giving child birth I found out months after. The letter took a long time to get to my platoon.
ELANORA: (Places hand over Hank’s) I’m so sorry for your loss.
HANK: It’s alright I can’t stay miserable forever besides that was decades ago.
ZACH: Yeah, you’re like ancient.
SOPHIE: That’s so rude Zachary James.
HANK: It’s alright Soph I mean have you seen my face. It’s so wrinkled it looks like I’m melting.
SOPHIE: (giggles) You’re so silly. Can you tell us more about your story?
HANK: I remember it like it was yesterday. When I first arrived at the base I heard something moving about and I ran into the bushes screaming when a wee pig ran out after me all the men in my platoon laughed hysterically.
ELANORA: That is pretty funny.
ZACH: I wouldn’t of screamed.
SOPHIE: Would too heck you’re scared of spiders.
ZACH: Only the big ones.
ELANORA: (Looks at wristwatch) Oh you guys we had better get going. Hank it was really lovely talking to you. If you ever want to drop by I would happily listen to more stories.
HANK: Will do Ms. um–
ELANORA: –Oh it’s Elanora, but my close friends call me Nora.
HANK: Alright Nora. I’ll see you all around.
Patio. Nighttime. Lemonade pitcher on a table. Elanora and Hank sit on a porch swing.
HANK: I think it’s so admirable that you take such good care of them Nora.
ELANORA: Their mom means well, but she just can’t be around lately. Besides I really don’t mind telling a quick story and putting them to bed.
HANK: Still Nora–
ELANORA: I know Hank, but that’s just how it has to be right now. (Places hand over)
HANK: (Sighs) Do you ever think how things could have been if x,y, or even z hadn’t happened?
ELANORA: All the time, but the way I look at it (sighs heavily) well it’s all got to happen for a reason. The people we lose and the people who stick around. It’s all some sort of grand plan.
HANK: There is just so much lost potential Nora. My son and I were never close because I blamed him for what happened to his mother for so long. I was so bitter for such a long time that I didn’t see what was in front of me. Now you’re in front of me and I–
ELANORA: Hank I–
HANK: Nora, I don’t want to lose you or this moment. (Leans in and kisses Nora)
ELANORA: Hank, this is insane we’re way past our prime we couldn’t possibly. I love him, I know he’s gone but–
HANK: This is difficult for me too, but with you everything just makes sense.
So I’m pretty sure that this girl in my math class got the wrong impression or that maybe she’s coming onto me. This is so incredibly awkward it’s not like I can just be like oh yeah I’m seeing someone. I mean that’s private anyways (and low key illegal) I’m not into her at all she’s a pretty cool friend. I wasn’t entirely sure, but I think my suspicions were confirmed today when she gave me a heart chocolate before the test? That’s not something friends do or at least that’s not what my friends and I do. I mean I know she’s lesbian and she knows I’m bisexual so that’s a thing what a joy. Just the way she acts around me is different compared to other people. It’s strange. I might just be overly tired and hallucinating or maybe I’m overly cocky. I don’t really know.
Also I finally got to check out someone yesterday at work about damned time am I right? What even are my priorities right now you guys. Also I have to decide what my next hair color will be? Right now it is red and it makes my blue eyes really pop (not my words). I love the world of hair dye oml. I had blonde hair before and it was just extremely boring so that’s a thing I guess.
Also I think the test went well and I’m not gonna get kicked out of the regular math class so that’s awesome sauce.