When I first had my baby I felt so guilty for not feeling an immediate connection with her. I feel so grateful for the nurse that calmed me down in the bathroom at the hospital she was an angel.
After having a baby your hormones and emotions can get really messed up. It can feel like you’re not worthy or a good enough mom. What’s the point? When we first got home from the hospital I didn’t want to be left alone with my baby I was too scared. My husband took a few days off of work to be with us and make sure I was ok. I don’t think he understood what I was going through though.
I was scared she wasn’t getting enough to eat. My real milk wasn’t coming in. When my real milk did come in, it was a relief. All of this stress was piling on top of me. I felt angry and suicidal. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. My baby would cry all of the time over nothing as babies do. I found myself getting so angry that I couldn’t have a moment to myself or some peace end quiet.
As the weeks turned to a month I realized it wasn’t baby blues and it was PPD. The feelings weren’t going away. I cut myself for the first time in years. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be alive. I didn’t feel like I was a good enough mom. All of these intense emotions piled up on top of not getting any sleep was a ticking time bomb.
I had to do something about it and I got on antidepressants for it. They worked pretty well. Things are better now. I enjoy being with my baby and watching her hit exciting milestones so far she’s rolled and is now crawling. It all seems to go by so fast. I feel like if I blink I might miss something.
Even now though I don’t feel like myself anymore. I lost lots of friends when I had a baby because nobody wants to hang out with me now that I would have to bring my baby with me to hang out. In a way it made me realize who my real friends were. It all feels incredibly isolating. I feel completely alone.
I decided to start blogging again as an outlet from all of this. It’s all so overwhelming. Anybody have similar experiences with postpartum depression? Anybody else feeling isolated?