It's a bubbly life ^~^


August 2016

August 17th, 2016 

I feel like a bomb eventually I will explode and destroy everything in my path. However, the thing is even if I have not exploded yet I am already ruining everything. My friends, my boyfriend, my family…it’s all just falling apart and I keep tearing it all apart even farther. It’s like it’s shattered glass barely together perhaps a few cracks and I just come in and completely shatter it all until there are only small pieces together. You wouldn’t even be able to put it all back together that’s how messed up I am. 

I didn’t even get out of bed today that’s how much of a rut I am in. I cherish sleep so much because it allows me to just forget everything that is going on in my life. The thing is I am a mess. I am on self destruct mode and once that happens it’s hard to disarm. 

I cannot talk to anybody about what is happening because no one really understands the one person that did understand well…he that is strawberry he..will not have the time for me anymore because he is getting the little sister he has always wanted and I am so jealous because that is my place. I am supposed to be his little sister and now I’m not.  As for my boyfriend I feel uncomfortable talking to him about anything and that makes him frustrated at me. Sometimes it really gets to him and he snaps at me. He does love me though. I would get frustrated with me too. 

The reason I am incapable of telling him anything is cause of the last boyfriend the cheater. He also made all these promises to me and took care of me. I guess I’m afraid he will turn out just like my ex and will find someone better or think that the thoughts inside my head are just an absolute mess. I am afraid he won’t want me anymore. 

Sorry I just had to get it all out of my system. 

Much love to all of you ❤  


Help me if you can I’m feeling down

Hey, me again what a surprise right? I’ll spare you the part where I say I want to blog more cause you all already know that. 

Anyways I have come to realize that I am an awful human being which shouldn’t be that big of a surprise but it hurts. Why is it that I want to throw my life away when my brothers fiancé fought to keep living? (She had cancer)All these people are fighting for their life’s and I just am ready to throw mine away because I’m so depressed. 

Sometimes I don’t even know why and other times it’s a combination of things. I still have my exes note he wrote to me I don’t know why but I cannot bring myself to throw it away I kind of want to burn it. Also lately I don’t have any friends none of my friends have been talking to me but at the same time it’s like I cannot even blame them because I am a mess. 

Also I am so sick of feeling worthless. I feel like I have to do sexual stuff to get approval and it’s like I don’t even want to do sexual stuff and all these stupid fuckbois keep messing with me even though they know I’m in a monogamous relationship like that’s one person just one. Not throwing shade on open relationships but that’s just not my style and people need to respect that you know? I feel so violated sometimes. 

Very important questions now: 

– Do you ever feel like if you weren’t somewhat attractive you would be worthless? 

-any suggestions to keep my mind off of things? 

Oh also my boyfriend snapped at me he yelled and said I never tell him anything which is true. I don’t because my last relationship I told him everything and he laughed at me he called me pathetic and made me feel like shit 37 cuts up and down my arms and legs( I am 2 months clean now so ssssh). It’s like this guy is different and he’s not judgmental like that but I’m too terrified to ever tell him anything that’s wrong. Everything just bottles up and it’s an endless inevitable hole. 

Welp, bye. 

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