I feel like a bomb eventually I will explode and destroy everything in my path. However, the thing is even if I have not exploded yet I am already ruining everything. My friends, my boyfriend, my family…it’s all just falling apart and I keep tearing it all apart even farther. It’s like it’s shattered glass barely together perhaps a few cracks and I just come in and completely shatter it all until there are only small pieces together. You wouldn’t even be able to put it all back together that’s how messed up I am. 

I didn’t even get out of bed today that’s how much of a rut I am in. I cherish sleep so much because it allows me to just forget everything that is going on in my life. The thing is I am a mess. I am on self destruct mode and once that happens it’s hard to disarm. 

I cannot talk to anybody about what is happening because no one really understands the one person that did understand well…he that is strawberry he..will not have the time for me anymore because he is getting the little sister he has always wanted and I am so jealous because that is my place. I am supposed to be his little sister and now I’m not.  As for my boyfriend I feel uncomfortable talking to him about anything and that makes him frustrated at me. Sometimes it really gets to him and he snaps at me. He does love me though. I would get frustrated with me too. 

The reason I am incapable of telling him anything is cause of the last boyfriend the cheater. He also made all these promises to me and took care of me. I guess I’m afraid he will turn out just like my ex and will find someone better or think that the thoughts inside my head are just an absolute mess. I am afraid he won’t want me anymore. 

Sorry I just had to get it all out of my system. 

Much love to all of you ❤