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littlemissinvisble

It's a bubbly life ^~^

Month

December 2016

“Share your story here” 

“Share your story here,” at least that’s what the prompt says everytime I come back to blog. I don’t know what to say or how to communicate all the emotions across sometimes though. 

With him all my feelings easily come across and burst out in colorful clouds of cheesy puke worthy happiness.  He will never be mine because he lives too far from me. We’ve only ever met up once and he’s going through university right now, it’s not like he can afford to come down on his own to see me. I myself am saving up for college so I can’t afford it either. I wish things were easier for us because I know without a shadow of a doubt we would be that one couple that’s been together forever if he lived closer to me.  

“What’s your New Years resolution?” He asked me. “I don’t have any this year,” I whispered back to him. Then he leans in and whispers to me on Skype, “My resolution is to do my very best to come and see you at least once in 2017.” 

Maybe, it’s cheesy. Actually I know that it all is..but it’s like the good cheese the kind you get on top of your subway sandwich that melts into it with the chicken and causes you to drool and be like oh my god heck yes. Or the pineapple and Canadian bacon on top of that perfect pizza. 

“And they will both be very devoted to their home, this is a great combination damn straight we are,” he’s reading our star sign match. Apparently Leo and cancer are a good match I guess! We tend to talk a lot over breaks and just do our studying together. 

If I’m being completely honest earlier we had a quizlet war. You know how you can make quizlet talk? Well I created a study set and made it say a bunch of really messed up things because my sense of humor is so dark and messed up and we were both laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. I think that’s how it should be though shouldn’t it? It’s like this, I feel like I fill up my time with relationships whilst I wait for us to be a thing officially and finally. I am not about to do long distance dating because it’s way too stressful for me. I already have enough bullshit to deal with. How cynical of me. Heh. 

Welp, bye. 

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You. 

I anxiously wait for you to get home cause when I talk to you I’m in my safe space where none of this other bullshit the world has to offer up matters. I feel warm and loved which is something I rarely feel nowadays. Everybody’s turned their back on me I guess..and you’re the one of the few who hasn’t. I’m so grateful for this because I too will never turn my back on you. 

-You make me laugh which is something that’s really hard to do without you.
-You make me smile my stupid cheesy smile. 

-You make me want to be better than I am for you and for everybody else. 

-You make me feel special and unique and tell me everything will be ok. That all this won’t matter in 5 years because in the end we will at least have eachother. 

-You make all the scary self destructive thoughts disappear when we talk. 

Sometimes, we don’t talk. We just sit for hours and hours admiring one another. Somehow that’s enough, more than enough. Yet I can’t shake the paranoia that like the ones before you, you’ll hurt me. You’re my best friend in the end though. 

Meaningless (poem) 

Meaningless apologies fall off of the tongue that once wrote beautiful words on my skin

like pen to paper blueprints

Dirty disgusting, empty apologies falter at filling,

the space between

Coffee and cigarettes infuse the hollowness

2:35 a.m. (Poem)

And you whispered that you loved me and I felt complete,

and I, I just wanted a little more time, 2:35 a.m.

And you must have meant it all at

some point until you didn’t

until you decided that you didn’t

and you broke into a million scattered pieces

and I whispered the same back to you in naivety

Addictive personality

I used to hurt myself a lot in the form of cutting but I’ve been clean for awhile. I have a very addictive personality which didn’t help so it took me twoish years to get clean from doing that to myself. It always happened after something extremely stressful took place in my life. Family, friends, significant others. Usually one of the three listed was the reason I used to justify hurting myself. I felt like nobody cared about me and then when I realized some people did it was a little too late I was addicted to that coping mechanism which sucked.

Recently I brought up to one of my friends that one of my older senior friends was willing to get me cigarettes as I’m 16 and cannot buy them by myself in the United States of AmeriKKKa. He said that would be a mistake on my part because I have an “addictive personality” meaning that I find things to cope with, usually unhealthy. I would be switching out cutting for cigarettes which might not be the best idea. I want to be loyal and say I won’t smoke that often but I know it’s not true I’ll probably get addicted to that coping mechanism just like with the cutting.

I keep trying to find ways to deal with everything and be in a good mood and be Gucci but it’s pretty fucking difficult sometimes. Which is why I keep turning to these things cigarettes, alcohol, self harm. It’s so stupid but at least I’m honest with myself and know what I’m doing. It’s a problem, I know I have a problem. That’s one step down I guess.

I wanted to tell him I’ll behave and won’t smoke cigarettes but I know I probably will if they’re so easily available and my friends so chill about it all. He has really bad asthma so it means that I wouldnt be able to hang around with him. But here’s the thing he lives in Canada I live in America it’s gonna be awhile.

Welp, bye.

Panic attack No. 546?

“Hurtful words from my enemies of the last 5 years what’s it like to die alone? How does it feel when tears freeze as you cry? The blood in your viens is 20 below!!!”

Last night we were doing stuff and he told me to talk dirty to him, I freaked out because that was always something my ex wanted me to do and when I didn’t he would scream at me. I got extremely uncomfortable but I didn’t tell him no I didn’t explain and so we carried on and finished. When we were done I started crying and then he freaked out, “was that too much? It was too much wasn’t it baby, I’m sorry” and then he started crying because he thought he did something wrong he thought it was all his fault when in reality it was practically all mine.

He wouldn’t stop crying so I started singing to him, “Please forgive me if I seem forward but I’ve never been in front of anything like you it’s the last place I ever thought I’d be when I woke up this morning, and is it true, and that you’re always this breathtaking and you’re smart and you’re willing my god this is killing me.”

“Tell me all the things you’ve never said we can lay here and talk for hours in my bed I don’t have anything to hide, I don’t have anything everything is not for certain. ”

It calmed him down enough where I could explain everything, tell him all about the five months of twisted manipulation I had endured. About how my sexual likes were used against me and how it was always all about him. It was never once about me and when I got down I had something wrong with me and I was “emotionally abusive and messed up” and about everything. He said sorry, he said he should’ve been there when I needed him and that he should’ve tried to console me more when I came crying to him about how all my boyfriend wanted was sexual stuff, how every single fucking time I was with him he made it sexual and how he convinced me into doing so many things I never wanted to do. How he would mess something up really bad then send long rants to make up for his shitty attitude the majority of the time.

I don’t know what else there is, I know there’s so much more but that’s all I have right now.

Welp, bye.

 

“Relationships”

“A man unwilling to fight for what he wants deserves what he gets”- Killian Jones

If someone really cared about you they wouldn’t just leave they would try to fix things, wouldn’t they? I think that’s how it should be. I don’t think we should abandon people if we truly care about them. We should help them work through their problems, shouldn’t we? If so then why if he cared about me, would he abandon me? A million question swirl around in my head. Five months of complete lies and “love” I guess I really didn’t know him at all. I feel so bitter over it all still.

Although on the plus side I did not let the end of things ruin every aspect of my life again. Last time it happened to me I got very depressed and thought nobody could ever want somebody like me which is why I got dumped. In reality it wasn’t my fault at all. I met that significant other at the wrong time in his life, he was an alcoholic and smoked a lot. That’s not healthy to be in a relationship with someone who loves the drinks more than you. Their priorities aren’t straight, they are dependent on whatever they’re abusing. Recently I unblocked this ex and started talking to him again. He got his shit together and I’m glad we are friends again and that he isn’t relient on such things anymore. I think that’s amazing and he is understanding of all of the things I am going through. Sometimes it’s a case of right place, wrong time. It’s that simple. You meet people at a rough patch in their life and you cannot judge them for that, we all have rough patches.

I guess I’m not happy with the way things ended with recent ex, but it’s not my fault and so I do not have to feel guilty about it. Last time I beat myself up over it for months and felt so bad. I didn’t eat that much, I had no lack of sleep though. I slept as soon as I got home from school for hours. Pretty damn unhealthy. I feel like this time around I coped with getting dumped much better. Most likely also because it really isn’t my fault that he doesn’t believe me. That’s his issue. I feel like this time around I let people help me rather than bottling it all up like I did last time. I didn’t lie about things and say that they’re fine.

This time around I had drawing, work, and my friends to help distract me a lot. Also drowned myself back into the immersive world of final fantasy X. Only the best video game love story of all time. It’s so beautiful. Sorry not sorry. Also the new final fantasy game came out and I don’t even have it what the actual heck.

I feel like this is the most I’ve put into a post in awhile. Which um like hello it’s me guys! I am alive and breathing and listening to music in chemistry class. Just finished failing my test :’) so that is no Bueno. I have work tonight and have to get up early tomorrow to go to the mall with friends I have not seen in months which is pretty sick. I found out one of my friends has all these issues I didn’t know about. I told her my story and she told me hers. It was a really beautiful exchange if you ask me.  It’s rare that I tell my entire life story to people. I trust her. That’s pretty rare nowadays for me to trust people. I mean I just got stabbed in the back by one of my closest “friends” what a bitch.

I hope you all are doing well, I hope somebody tells you they love you today, I hope you eat delicious Chinese food.

Welp, bye.

 

 

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