I used to hurt myself a lot in the form of cutting but I’ve been clean for awhile. I have a very addictive personality which didn’t help so it took me twoish years to get clean from doing that to myself. It always happened after something extremely stressful took place in my life. Family, friends, significant others. Usually one of the three listed was the reason I used to justify hurting myself. I felt like nobody cared about me and then when I realized some people did it was a little too late I was addicted to that coping mechanism which sucked.

Recently I brought up to one of my friends that one of my older senior friends was willing to get me cigarettes as I’m 16 and cannot buy them by myself in the United States of AmeriKKKa. He said that would be a mistake on my part because I have an “addictive personality” meaning that I find things to cope with, usually unhealthy. I would be switching out cutting for cigarettes which might not be the best idea. I want to be loyal and say I won’t smoke that often but I know it’s not true I’ll probably get addicted to that coping mechanism just like with the cutting.

I keep trying to find ways to deal with everything and be in a good mood and be Gucci but it’s pretty fucking difficult sometimes. Which is why I keep turning to these things cigarettes, alcohol, self harm. It’s so stupid but at least I’m honest with myself and know what I’m doing. It’s a problem, I know I have a problem. That’s one step down I guess.

I wanted to tell him I’ll behave and won’t smoke cigarettes but I know I probably will if they’re so easily available and my friends so chill about it all. He has really bad asthma so it means that I wouldnt be able to hang around with him. But here’s the thing he lives in Canada I live in America it’s gonna be awhile.

Welp, bye.