Well I just did. I forgot that today was the presidents test so I had to wing it, it was so bad I knew like 10 by heart and their correct dates of service. I don’t know maybe it’s that I didn’t care enough, or maybe it’s that I just forgot, or maybe it’s even that I was just too lazy. I’m not doing so hot in school anymore. Not that I was before I’m not like some crazy smart 4.0 kid. I’ve never really cared about grades that much, but I do need to pass. That’s a thing. I’ll just have to totally add the next test and be like an all star kid.
My priorities haven’t exactly been top notch lately. I haven’t exactly been top notch lately. I feel like I’ve fallen into a realization that all these kids who parents don’t want their children to be associated with, I’m now one of them. I do stupid shit I shouldn’t do, I’m failing classes, I’m addicted to coping mechanisms that overall aren’t that bad, but I guess could be physically damaging to me. They also drive people away, not everybody is down with smoking and that sort of thing.
I lost my best friend over it, but the worst part is I’m so in love with the feeling cigarettes give me that I don’t feel down about losing him. I mean here’s the thing, smoking does not make me a different person it’s not like all the sudden I changed into a total dick because I started smoking cigarettes. That wouldn’t make very much sense. Yet he said to find someone stronger who could put up with me. I don’t think anybody will ever want to put up with the emotional mess that is me. Hence why I keep to myself and am not as open emotionally in a relationship now. Emotions only give those around you the opportunity to hurt you, as morbid and cynical as that is it’s how I feel about the whole episode that was that.
Overall i’m feeling a lot more positive about things going on. I’m coping, living life I guess. Smoking again, but s’all good we wildin’ out.