I am once again at a standstill in my mental and emotional state. Constance has yet to respond to the note I wrote her asking her to consider seriously putting me back on antidepressants. I’m sick of being down and sad all the time for no reason other than I am. I’ve been like a ghost going through my days. Putting in the minimum effort to keep living. Barely eating or drinking anything. Oh did I mention I relapsed? Well I did. I thought that if I didn’t feel like shit all the time for no reason other than my brain being messed up then maybe I could have a fighting chance. Constance won’t even give me that chance.

How can you do that to your own child? They’ve been depressed since 5th grade and you’re just going to let them continue suffering. How fucked up can you get? Thanks for nothing. I don’t know why I got so hopeful for nothing. I’ve lost track of how many times she’s continually let me down. Fuck my life.

Another thing, someone close to me recently got mad at me and asked me a question.

“Why would you do that to your beautiful body?”

My physical image was damaged, that’s all they cared about. The conversation got more and more shallow as it continued on. I’m disappointed in myself, but to make it all about ruining my “beauty” to quote. How stupid. I apologized anyways. I said I’m sorry, I know how it feels to be intimate with someone who self harms. I dated someone who did and it made me feel like complete shit when they did it. I promised said person/significant other/ thing that I would not cut myself again. It doesn’t feel so good when you’re with someone and they keep hurting themselves and you’re not even a good enough reason for them to stop. Your love isn’t good enough. Of course being the cutter and also the person trying to stop the cutter, I see both perspectives. Self harm isn’t ever something to say that it’s ok, but once you get dragged into it…well it’s hard to get out of it. You just keep getting stressed and anxious and have no release other than your wrist, your leg, your stomach etc. Or at least it seems impossible like there isn’t any other way. There is though.  You find a reason not to…and most of the times it has to be for yourself. To feel better and to break the cycle. You can’t stop hurting yourself for someone else…it’s silly and if something happens between the two of you. Well you’re back at square one.

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