“Drop out of school you never had that on your bucket list”

I miss the girl who started this blog 2 years ago. She was nicer and gave a damn about people, school, her friends, herself…the person I’ve become just isn’t the same. You’re right I’ve changed so much I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I can’t look myself in the mirror and when I do I see a useless piece of trash. Self conceited, hypocritical, addict, and emotionless. Those are just a few words that would describe the mess that I have become.

I can understand why everyone has given up on me. The thing is when you give up on yourself…well that’s when everyone else gives up on you too. You’re a failure and cannot be saved.

You lose friends because you smoke, you do inappropriate things with older men because that’s the only time you feel safe. With an older gentleman. Older wiser people who understand all the pain and everything you’re going through because they’ve lived it.  Can’t even quit it though it’s destroyed everything. Addictive personality has taken over. Whether that’s through release or through smoking. Drinking occasionally to just forget all of this, to shadow my existence. It’s not the easy way out…as Christopher poindexter would say,”My heart breaks at the very idea that so very many people think this is the easy way out.”

 

Advertisements