I’ve decided that today in creative writing I am going to spend the whole time writing out my life story so you guys can understand me a little bit more rather than working on my play I’m writing(Haha priorities am I right).
Anyways, things first started getting bad in elementary school. It was around this time that my older sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was little so I don’t remember that much. I remember she tried to kill herself and there were police and flashing lights. She wouldn’t stop. They got her to the hospital and she was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 16. It put a lot of stress on my home life. My mom was always figuring things out like what holidays she could come to visit for and if she was well enough. If the voices in my sister’s head were in check. My sister lived/lives in a group home because it’s not always safe for her to be around us anymore. Lately she has been good and the medicine she’s taking had worked pretty well, but back then it was very bad. She hit me a couple times, but I never held it against her because I knew it wasn’t her fault it was her brain. She said things and I said things that I feel guilty about, but that’s just how it was. The time I remember most is the drive home from my brother’s wedding she started yelling at my parents to stop fighting(they weren’t, but in her head they were) and it was really bad. She’s been in and out of the hospital a lot.
I feel to understand me you need to understand I have never gotten along with my parents. There was a point where I did when I was more obedient and less rebellious, but times change. The main reason for this is because my parents are Lutheran christians and I am an atheist. I believe in nothing after death. That’s not to say I don’t respect people who have religions as long as it’s not being rubbed in my face I’m cool with it. Anyways, let’s fast forward to high school. Ninth grade was a mess I tried to kill myself with a pill overdose of ibuprofen which incidentally can only give you a really bad stomach ache if you take too many. So it’s sort of a good thing that I chose that to try and kill myself with.
In tenth grade I started self harming by cutting myself incidentally this was the same year I was metal af aka an annoying piece of emo trash. I was a trash can not a trash can’t though (cmon I’m trying here). Picture day…the night before I had written my mom a note explaining why I didn’t want to go to church anymore and to please respect me. She gave me no response so that I would smile pretty for my pictures. Afterwards she hysterically claimed that the devil was trying to take me away from her. I showed her my arm and told her it was her fault (my maturity level wasn’t that high at that time). She claimed I was suicidal and said if I didn’t go to the emergency room with her then she would call the cops on me. So either way I was going. They determined I was in fact not suicidal surprise, surprise. Even after this it took my brothers stepping in to get her to stop forcing religion on me. She would not listen to me. Side note; I’m bisexual and I think if she knew she would disown me even farther. We tolerate each other and that’s about it.
Towards the end of tenth grade I had my first practical relationship with someone who went to the same school as me, but I met him at the wrong time. He smoked and was an alcoholic. The alcohol was always more important. That relationship really messed me up. I felt like after that I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough for anybody because in addition he had cheated on me with his ex.
After that relationship a month or so later I started dating a boy a year younger than me. He was overly sexual. You guys I literally sucked his dick in a movie theater, don’t ask me what Alice through the looking glass was about because I couldn’t tell you. He wanted to do sexual stuff every single time we hung out.He always made me do stuff I didn’t want to do. I went along with it and didn’t complain because I figured he had to deal with my bullshit so I could deal with his. No big deal. That ended in October of this year or something like that I think. He accused me of cheating because someone had asked me out on a date (I said no to the date?). It was a pretty big mess.
Through it all a really close friend was there for me the whole time. He was the only one keeping me happy and alive. I became too reliant on him and I was too much. When I started doing stuff he didn’t agree with that’s when it was over. Mostly it was the smoking he wanted nothing to do with me. He loved me and I loved him. Our relationship was complex. We had promised always to be best friends. I ruined that when I lost my virginity to someone else; on the same day I told him I loved him. That was my fault. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. Someone who cared so much despite living so far away from me. I mean we had only met up once in real life. I had such a desperation to just do something, anything to prove to myself I had moved on from the boy who was a year younger than me. The reasons for losing it were messed up. I was pretty messed up at that time in my life. Not that I haven’t always been messed up, but I mean to say my insecurities were at an all time high. This friend and I have been friends since the summer before ninth grade and I have a couple posts about him if you want more details aha. I call him strawberry in all my old posts.
I think that’s when I decided I needed help. So I got my siblings to convince my mom to get me on antidepressants. So far they have improved my overall mood a lot. Most recently I have still been seeing the man who took my V card. I don’t really think virginity is such a big deal, but I do think I went around it the wrong way. The man has treated me like a princess though. I can’t really tell any of my friends about it because they would probably think it’s messed up. I wrote a whole short story about me pulling away from my life and I changed my name to Charlotte, but nobody even noticed. I mean how would I just make that stuff all up. It all happened. Some of it is changed for entertainment purposes and personal reasons, but it’s all there. Overall I’m grateful for it all. The experiences he has given me all this new stuff. Alcohol, cigarettes, and sex. It’s exciting, but I’m not completely clueless I know flirting with this life. Well this other life I’ve been living is a danger to me. Also I worry because it seems like he is very controlling he said I shouldn’t make any more guy friends because all they want it sex. I think he’s just insecure. I don’t really know. I’m still figuring this one out. The people I have consulted warn me that those controlling mechanisms are signs of someone abusive. The thing is it’s a special relationship between him and I. I’m very much so into ddlg. I’ll give you a quick summary in case you don’t know what that is. One person is the dominant and they take care of and nurture the submissive who will do whatever the dominant tells them to do. Submissive people find comfort in that loss of control and loss of having to think through decisions. Oh yeah it stands for daddy dom little girl. Some people think it’s pretty fucked up, but I say what’s wrong with a lil bit of kink. I would rather have some of that in my life than live a vanilla lifestyle. In addition it’s not complete control we respect one another’s boundaries. There are safe words and stuff and punishments when I do something wrong such as break a rule or go against what my dominant says.
Do you have any questions? Feel free to hmu.
I hope this helps you all understand a little bit more about me and why I post what I post.