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littlemissinvisble

It's a bubbly life ^~^

Month

April 2017

Perspective. 

Perspective, the way we see things. Narrow minded or open minded? That’s all up to you. That’s what I’ve learned. 

Today I came out to my mom as bisexual in family therapy it was the most scary thing I’ve ever done. She started crying and told me, “*insert my name here*  you’re a beautiful and smart girl and you deserve to be happy and I love you no matter what.” 

It felt underwhelming. I thought she was going to tell me to go to hell because of the church she attends. The people there are narrow minded so I in a way stereotyped her as one of them. That makes me the narrow minded one doesn’t it? She told me it doesn’t matter because I’m me and even though she is sad we don’t share the same beliefs that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. She told me if I get anything out of outpatient she wants me to be able to be more accepting of myself and to stop pushing her away because I pushed so hard she took a step back. I hadn’t considered that…

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A lot has happened. 

On Sunday I got the cops called on me because my friend thought I was suicidal after she saw my cut up arm. I won’t go too much into that because it’s messed up, but I’m not angry with her. She did what she thought she had to do to care for a friend. I’m in outpatient now. If you don’t know what that is look it up because I don’t care to explain its a mess. 

I blocked him after he told me to suck it up and stop being depressed because I can’t just stop that’s stupid. He’s negative for me. He made a fake snapchat and I wasn’t going to add it till I saw “insertmynameheresdaddy” and I was like what in the world. He apologized and said he loves me. I don’t feel the same at all. He is manipulative. I told him it’s over he ignored me and just said “um no that’s not how this works.” 

Age does not always equal maturity I guess. That sucks. He keeps talking to me like I’m his. If he comes anywhere near me (because he knows where I work and where I live) then I will be scared. Right now I’m just freaked out a little. He’s possessive and insists I am his soulmate. 

Basically I am working on myself and taking outpatient more seriously now. Originally I wasn’t. I was angry I had to be there, but I have things motivating me now to do my best to get out. 

-my friend is being bullied by a girl who is manipulative and oversensitive(I know this because I used to be friends with the bitch) 

-I want to continue work on my portfolio 

-I want to go to regular school very badly 

-I want my normal life back. 

How have you guys been? I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. Therapy is very stressful. 

Lifeupdate. 

I have become very popular on snapchat. It’s weird because normally I’m not that popular. Then again it is mostly fuckbois. 

I met up with him last night. We spent the night together and I was so depressed I couldn’t even look him in the eyes when I said I loved him. I started crying about it. It was pathetic. I have a hugeass belt mark across my ass from my punishment and also hand marks. I’m pale so it’s not that difficult to leave your mark on me. We fucked a total of 6 times (that night and the next morning). I am sore and it hurts to sit. He kept making me drink alcohol because he bought it for me and money’s right right now. It would be rude if I didn’t drink it. He was hitting it from behind and I just kept saying in my head again and again (please please please be done). 

When he was done I swallowed it all. Then I ran to the bathroom and coughed and threw up. He made me bleed down there, I got a nosebleed, and I threw up. It was all very intense to say the least. I downed like 4 drinks. 

It wasn’t all sex though. It was sweet the next morning he took me to see beauty and beast. All the songs are stuck in my head now. We cuddled so hardcore. It was euphoric. Except work today has not been fun. I am so hungover. 

I tried to kill myself. 

It was Wednesday night first day of spring break. I told him I hurt myself and he flipped out on me. I apologized, but he wouldn’t shut up about how I don’t care about him if I’m hurting myself. That’s not even how it works? When you’re having a panic attack you don’t just think of someone and it’s all better. He said some extremely harsh things to me and made me feel small and useless. 

My coworker who I’ve become close to talked me down along with some other friends. The next day (Thursday) I went out to lunch with a guy I’ve been talking to for awhile because I was angry at him for making me feel so useless and depressed and blaming me for everything. While I’m sitting across the table from this guy he snapchats me,”I’m sorry I love you hunnie.” I don’t even flinch, “I love you too.” 

He acts like it never happened and like he never said the things he said to me about me. Now he’s back to saying he misses me and he loves me. It’s fucking confusing and it hurts my head, but I’m not the same around him anymore. It’s hard to be after he hurt me like that….maybe I’m just being sensitive. I don’t think I am if something hurts you it hurts you and I can’t help it. 

I have been busy working six hour shifts for days in a row. So I haven’t had time to really think about it all. What I’m going to do if anything. Also on Friday my coworker got me a really pretty black dress. I love it so much. 

Love you guys stay strong. I am. 

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