The last time I wrote a post was nearly 3 months ago needless to say it’s been awhile. Ok, maybe more than awhile. I guess I’ve just been avoiding thinking so much about everything. I’ve been too busy working and with school to write whether it be on this site or just for fun. I haven’t written any poetry or short stories in awhile. I’ve been ultra x10000000000000000000000000000000000000 focused on getting through senior year and it’s only the end of the first quarter coming up, but I think I’ve really taken the time to academically get myself into a good place.

Unfortunately, a lot has happened I’ve shut myself off from people. My older brother passed away nearly a month ago now and it hurts that he’s gone, but what hurts even worse is seeing everyone else in so much pain while all I feel is numbness. I felt nothing regarding his passing until I saw his body in the casket. It looked nothing like him. It looked like a wax figurine from one of those creepy museums. Reality kicked me in the stomach and I couldn’t breathe as I looked at his cold dead body. It wasn’t the brother I used to know it was just the fragments he left behind of himself. It was just a sad excuse of closure he left for us . The last time I had talked to him had been christmas. He seemed fine, but then I came to the conclusion that I am just like him. I bottle everything inside me until I burst and it’s so much agony that I don’t want to live anymore, but I keep smiling because I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do when things are “fine.” None of my attempts worked. When I was in the hospital I felt ashamed and embarrassed to even be in inpatient with all these other suicidal teenagers. I felt embarrassed of my suicidal ideation even though it wasn’t my fault that my brain is completely and utterly screwed up beyond repair. I wonder if that’s what he felt like too. I wonder if he felt that it was all his fault that he couldn’t be happy despite so much good in his life. What’s the point of living in a world where everyone is self diagnosing themselves?

This is just a rant. My inner thoughts…I’m not currently this depressed and things have been looking up for me, but this still weighs heavily on my mind. I know it’s morbid to read, but that’s just how things are right now. They are morbid and dissatisfactory.

-xoxo feel the waves man be one with the waves.

Advertisements