It's a bubbly life ^~^



Last night.

Last night he decided that he just had to see me. When he makes up his mind like that I try to comply and be obedient. I wanted to see him too anyways. It had been two weeks after all. I was scared that he would see my arm. I had relapsed and knew that it wouldn’t go over well with him.  “Why would you cut your beautiful body?” That’s the question he asked me last time. I fade in and out of reality and the past. It’s always the past that makes me do it. The moment I’m living in isn’t that bad. I sit in my room alone with music blasting obnoxiously loud and I look out the window at the birds and other things as they merrily move along their way.

He did not see my arm. He didn’t have a chance to get me out of my clothes last night. It was too risky. Instead his hand slipped down my jeans and teased me as we drove around with food blasting the radio.

“Look at me every once in awhile,” he demanded

“I’m sorry,” I whispered carefully.

“Keep acting like a kidnap victim and maybe I’ll treat you like one.” He tried to lighten the mood.

I remember being embarrassed as I told him he should undo his pants for me. This feeling that I felt obligated to repay the favor. I had to get him off too.

Tonight, I might see him again. I’m really nervous because he will probably see my arm. I might cover it with band aids and say I fell. I hate lying to him though. He said we could spend the evening together tonight if his roommates are going to be out. I’m very excited to see him if he can.  This type of relationship requires honesty and trust between us. A little girl should not lie to her dominant or defy him in any way.

I am a little bit upset though because it has occurred to me that I don’t know how many spankings I’m getting for being a sassy little brat towards him. I won’t know when it’s going to stop. It will hurt to sit. Wish me luck sigh.


Something pretty great happened 

I reached out to my siblings in hopes that they would talk to Connie about putting me back on antidepressants because she in unreasonable and doesn’t listen to me. I was scared to even reach out to them, but it was necessary…

The thing is brothers doctor said usually with mental issues you can prescribe similar medicine to siblings. So herego my older brother has depression and I can be put on whatever he is taking. I don’t know if it will work, but a month trial should tell. I look forward with hope, because it’s up to me to start doing what’s best for me even if it takes negotiating with the lady who gave birth to me. 

Counseling has never helped because I have no solid reason to be depressed. I just am for no reason, it also turns out the more kids you have the more likeliehood to have mental illness. I have eight brothers and two sisters. That explain it for you all?

Hopefully, I will not have to rely on music, on people, on trivial things to keep me happy. There is only so much edgy music I can listen to, to help lol. Hopefully I won’t have to focus as hard on it and I will just live my life like a somewhat normal human being. I know this is really overly optimistic, but my hopes are really up there. For my future..I could actually make it past 12th grade…as dark as it is I never saw myself graduating high school. I could have more overall motivation to make it through all of this…

Coincidently it turns out the medicine he takes Wellbutrin also helps ease people out of smoking habits so it’s like a double win! 🙂 

Thank you brother. I love you so much. 


idk man

“Because my past is like a nightmare that I cannot escape”-safetysuit

It’s weird because the thing is on one hand I’m hopelessly obsessive with cute romantic gestures and on the other I’m like come at me fam wreck me up lmao. How weird is that? In all honesty I get happy when I’m single sometimes because I can wild out if you know what I mean. I can be a hoe, oh wait I’m a hoe all the time regardless the only difference is that when I’m in a relationship I am a loyal one if that makes sense. There’s been so many things I regret doing. If you’re uncomfortable with explicit stuff and idiocy in general I suggest you stop reading right now.

I suggest you checketh thyself before thy wrecketh thyself. 

List of stupid shit I regret doing and also disappointments in my life:

-giving one of my boyfriends a blowjob in a movie theater

-deepthroating the same dude, you guys if you’re uncomfortable and the guy has a jungle down there don’t be afraid to be like hell no. In my defense he used my fetishes against me and made me do a lot of stuff I was uncomfortable with because he was a horny asshole all the fucking time. So glad that ones over man.

-not buying stuff

-buying stuff ( this list just is a mess now, ah well)

-not saying my phone number was 1-800 go fuck yourself

-that I’m so quiet, I need to work on that. I’ve gotten somewhat better.

-that one of my exes is leaving for the navy February 16th and shipping out and he’s low key trying to suggest that he regrets that we have not fucked.

-all the fuckbois I’ve added on my snapchat (thank god there is a block button)

– that I don’t live in canada( long story)

-being such a bitch when I was younger

-still being a bitch on occasion but I’m done being walked all over soooo…

(to be continued in near future I suspect)




Addictive personality

I used to hurt myself a lot in the form of cutting but I’ve been clean for awhile. I have a very addictive personality which didn’t help so it took me twoish years to get clean from doing that to myself. It always happened after something extremely stressful took place in my life. Family, friends, significant others. Usually one of the three listed was the reason I used to justify hurting myself. I felt like nobody cared about me and then when I realized some people did it was a little too late I was addicted to that coping mechanism which sucked.

Recently I brought up to one of my friends that one of my older senior friends was willing to get me cigarettes as I’m 16 and cannot buy them by myself in the United States of AmeriKKKa. He said that would be a mistake on my part because I have an “addictive personality” meaning that I find things to cope with, usually unhealthy. I would be switching out cutting for cigarettes which might not be the best idea. I want to be loyal and say I won’t smoke that often but I know it’s not true I’ll probably get addicted to that coping mechanism just like with the cutting.

I keep trying to find ways to deal with everything and be in a good mood and be Gucci but it’s pretty fucking difficult sometimes. Which is why I keep turning to these things cigarettes, alcohol, self harm. It’s so stupid but at least I’m honest with myself and know what I’m doing. It’s a problem, I know I have a problem. That’s one step down I guess.

I wanted to tell him I’ll behave and won’t smoke cigarettes but I know I probably will if they’re so easily available and my friends so chill about it all. He has really bad asthma so it means that I wouldnt be able to hang around with him. But here’s the thing he lives in Canada I live in America it’s gonna be awhile.

Welp, bye.

Panic attack No. 546?

“Hurtful words from my enemies of the last 5 years what’s it like to die alone? How does it feel when tears freeze as you cry? The blood in your viens is 20 below!!!”

Last night we were doing stuff and he told me to talk dirty to him, I freaked out because that was always something my ex wanted me to do and when I didn’t he would scream at me. I got extremely uncomfortable but I didn’t tell him no I didn’t explain and so we carried on and finished. When we were done I started crying and then he freaked out, “was that too much? It was too much wasn’t it baby, I’m sorry” and then he started crying because he thought he did something wrong he thought it was all his fault when in reality it was practically all mine.

He wouldn’t stop crying so I started singing to him, “Please forgive me if I seem forward but I’ve never been in front of anything like you it’s the last place I ever thought I’d be when I woke up this morning, and is it true, and that you’re always this breathtaking and you’re smart and you’re willing my god this is killing me.”

“Tell me all the things you’ve never said we can lay here and talk for hours in my bed I don’t have anything to hide, I don’t have anything everything is not for certain. ”

It calmed him down enough where I could explain everything, tell him all about the five months of twisted manipulation I had endured. About how my sexual likes were used against me and how it was always all about him. It was never once about me and when I got down I had something wrong with me and I was “emotionally abusive and messed up” and about everything. He said sorry, he said he should’ve been there when I needed him and that he should’ve tried to console me more when I came crying to him about how all my boyfriend wanted was sexual stuff, how every single fucking time I was with him he made it sexual and how he convinced me into doing so many things I never wanted to do. How he would mess something up really bad then send long rants to make up for his shitty attitude the majority of the time.

I don’t know what else there is, I know there’s so much more but that’s all I have right now.

Welp, bye.


August 17th, 2016 

I feel like a bomb eventually I will explode and destroy everything in my path. However, the thing is even if I have not exploded yet I am already ruining everything. My friends, my boyfriend, my family…it’s all just falling apart and I keep tearing it all apart even farther. It’s like it’s shattered glass barely together perhaps a few cracks and I just come in and completely shatter it all until there are only small pieces together. You wouldn’t even be able to put it all back together that’s how messed up I am. 

I didn’t even get out of bed today that’s how much of a rut I am in. I cherish sleep so much because it allows me to just forget everything that is going on in my life. The thing is I am a mess. I am on self destruct mode and once that happens it’s hard to disarm. 

I cannot talk to anybody about what is happening because no one really understands the one person that did understand well…he that is strawberry he..will not have the time for me anymore because he is getting the little sister he has always wanted and I am so jealous because that is my place. I am supposed to be his little sister and now I’m not.  As for my boyfriend I feel uncomfortable talking to him about anything and that makes him frustrated at me. Sometimes it really gets to him and he snaps at me. He does love me though. I would get frustrated with me too. 

The reason I am incapable of telling him anything is cause of the last boyfriend the cheater. He also made all these promises to me and took care of me. I guess I’m afraid he will turn out just like my ex and will find someone better or think that the thoughts inside my head are just an absolute mess. I am afraid he won’t want me anymore. 

Sorry I just had to get it all out of my system. 

Much love to all of you ❤  

I feel like my mom likes my cousins and friends more than me 

Well basically my cousin I’ll name her clementine on here is this perfect Christian girl who my parents love and I’m an atheist so that’s basically explained. 

My mom always makes me feel invisible whenever clementine comes over or when one of the girls from their church come over to hang out with me. It’s probably because they’re doing what their parents want but I can’t because I just don’t believe in it and being forced makes me depressed and is why I ended up in the hospital for cutting…enough said there 

Why do parents do that? 

Do your parents act like they like your friends or other family members more because my mom makes it very obvious she loves them more…

Welp bye 

Hey there 

Been awhile huh? Ok maybe a long while…

Anyways my friend peach told me something scary it made me so pissed at her siblings. She said everything’s been getting to her so much she’s been cutting..I guess she feels ok telling me cause we have been friends forever and she knows I cut. I told her if she ever needs an escape or to rant I’m here and she hugged me…that’s good right? 🙂 I think it is…I mean I know from my own experience friends being there help so so much…they make you feel loved and like you’re worth something to someone if your family is shitty like mine…and peaches and strawberries 😦 it makes me sad that the people I love have such rough backgrounds but at the same time grateful they can understand me. 

Yesterday was thanksgiving in America and I was forced into so many photos and my grandma said, “she doesn’t want to be a *insert my last name here*” I was honestly so tempted to say you’re right I don’t. 

Anyways a lot of stuff has happened…so yeah good and bad I’m a few weeks clean of cutting so that’s good I suppose and things haven’t been too horrendous. Well my family sucks but used to it so…

How have all you been? I miss you all 🙂 I’m gonna try and blog more again just so much drama happening you know? No time aha :3 rawr 



“You’re dead”

Today at school I was looking out the window and this girl I’ll call her lemon cause she’s sour…she took the like little blind thingy you pull to make the blinds close open you know…and wrapped it around my neck jokingly 

She said, “you’re dead.” Then my friend peach and I shared a look…I think peach was about to snap at her for doing that…then I said, “unfortunately I’m not.” 

The topic quickly changed…but that’s going to be engraved in my head for a long long time…

How can people joke about stuff like that it makes me so sick…the worse part was I didn’t have time to dwell on it cause I had to write a practice essay…so I just had to be emotionless and write away cause grades are important in an advanced placement class…

I just don’t understand why people joke about suicide…and’s not funny..*sigh* also in America we have an anti-bullying day 

We all wear orange cause it’s something no one would normally wear…but wearing different colors than usual doesn’t stop the fact that anti-bullying day is the day with the highest suicide rate…I hate anti bullying day it doesn’t stop bullying it just makes everyone like hey let’s be nice this day and then everything is back to the usual hell 

Welp bye 

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