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littlemissinvisble

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Hi, 4th of July. 

The universe fucked me over. I didn’t consent to it. Does that technically mean the universe raped me? Damn. Shit. 

I was dizzy and tripping over my own feet. Everything was spinning. My eyesight was blurry. It was an impressionistic painting. I wanted realism, but I’m not sure I’m even in touch with that anymore. Reality. I collapsed against the shower wall and look at you water dripped. down both of us. I scraped against the wall and you washed me off. I could feel peach-a-Rita ready to make its way back up the wrong way, but I kept still. 

“Get your balance in check before we go to fireworks.” 

“Stay close to me that way there won’t be any trouble,” you scolded. 

Why would there be trouble? Some hoodrat kid wouldn’t do anything in front of all these people. Would they? I was dressed somewhat appropriately. With this generation there isn’t appropriate. 

Golden pixie dust glistened from the heavens over and over again. I leaned up against you. I didn’t think I believed in soul mates, but maybe I did. 

Here’s that post I promised you lol. 

Ok so my love life…or my mess? 

Right so that guy who I’ve been seeing since February is possessive and paranoid and lowkey telling me how to dress so that other people don’t look at me. So that’s a thing, but when I am with him I feel so special…like a princess. My friend says that it’s asshole syndrome he acts like an ass 90% of the time so the 10% that he is nice it seems amazing. Maybe that’s true…? I don’t know. 

The kid from outpatient has chilled out, but I can’t get him to admit that he is clingy as fuck. Oh well. 

The friend who told me about the asshole syndrome is way too nice. I don’t feel like I deserve him. I like him, but I just don’t deserve someone that nice. I feel like it’s been beaten into me that I don’t deserve to be treated nicely all the time. That’s an awful way to think. I wish I didn’t feel that way. I like this friend very much, but it’s too much. I don’t deserve him. 

I deserve to be disciplined and treated like a princess when I am good. That’s how it’s always been. 

Feedback? 

Perspective. 

Perspective, the way we see things. Narrow minded or open minded? That’s all up to you. That’s what I’ve learned. 

Today I came out to my mom as bisexual in family therapy it was the most scary thing I’ve ever done. She started crying and told me, “*insert my name here*  you’re a beautiful and smart girl and you deserve to be happy and I love you no matter what.” 

It felt underwhelming. I thought she was going to tell me to go to hell because of the church she attends. The people there are narrow minded so I in a way stereotyped her as one of them. That makes me the narrow minded one doesn’t it? She told me it doesn’t matter because I’m me and even though she is sad we don’t share the same beliefs that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. She told me if I get anything out of outpatient she wants me to be able to be more accepting of myself and to stop pushing her away because I pushed so hard she took a step back. I hadn’t considered that…

A lot has happened. 

On Sunday I got the cops called on me because my friend thought I was suicidal after she saw my cut up arm. I won’t go too much into that because it’s messed up, but I’m not angry with her. She did what she thought she had to do to care for a friend. I’m in outpatient now. If you don’t know what that is look it up because I don’t care to explain its a mess. 

I blocked him after he told me to suck it up and stop being depressed because I can’t just stop that’s stupid. He’s negative for me. He made a fake snapchat and I wasn’t going to add it till I saw “insertmynameheresdaddy” and I was like what in the world. He apologized and said he loves me. I don’t feel the same at all. He is manipulative. I told him it’s over he ignored me and just said “um no that’s not how this works.” 

Age does not always equal maturity I guess. That sucks. He keeps talking to me like I’m his. If he comes anywhere near me (because he knows where I work and where I live) then I will be scared. Right now I’m just freaked out a little. He’s possessive and insists I am his soulmate. 

Basically I am working on myself and taking outpatient more seriously now. Originally I wasn’t. I was angry I had to be there, but I have things motivating me now to do my best to get out. 

-my friend is being bullied by a girl who is manipulative and oversensitive(I know this because I used to be friends with the bitch) 

-I want to continue work on my portfolio 

-I want to go to regular school very badly 

-I want my normal life back. 

How have you guys been? I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. Therapy is very stressful. 

Lifeupdate. 

I have become very popular on snapchat. It’s weird because normally I’m not that popular. Then again it is mostly fuckbois. 

I met up with him last night. We spent the night together and I was so depressed I couldn’t even look him in the eyes when I said I loved him. I started crying about it. It was pathetic. I have a hugeass belt mark across my ass from my punishment and also hand marks. I’m pale so it’s not that difficult to leave your mark on me. We fucked a total of 6 times (that night and the next morning). I am sore and it hurts to sit. He kept making me drink alcohol because he bought it for me and money’s right right now. It would be rude if I didn’t drink it. He was hitting it from behind and I just kept saying in my head again and again (please please please be done). 

When he was done I swallowed it all. Then I ran to the bathroom and coughed and threw up. He made me bleed down there, I got a nosebleed, and I threw up. It was all very intense to say the least. I downed like 4 drinks. 

It wasn’t all sex though. It was sweet the next morning he took me to see beauty and beast. All the songs are stuck in my head now. We cuddled so hardcore. It was euphoric. Except work today has not been fun. I am so hungover. 

I tried to kill myself. 

It was Wednesday night first day of spring break. I told him I hurt myself and he flipped out on me. I apologized, but he wouldn’t shut up about how I don’t care about him if I’m hurting myself. That’s not even how it works? When you’re having a panic attack you don’t just think of someone and it’s all better. He said some extremely harsh things to me and made me feel small and useless. 

My coworker who I’ve become close to talked me down along with some other friends. The next day (Thursday) I went out to lunch with a guy I’ve been talking to for awhile because I was angry at him for making me feel so useless and depressed and blaming me for everything. While I’m sitting across the table from this guy he snapchats me,”I’m sorry I love you hunnie.” I don’t even flinch, “I love you too.” 

He acts like it never happened and like he never said the things he said to me about me. Now he’s back to saying he misses me and he loves me. It’s fucking confusing and it hurts my head, but I’m not the same around him anymore. It’s hard to be after he hurt me like that….maybe I’m just being sensitive. I don’t think I am if something hurts you it hurts you and I can’t help it. 

I have been busy working six hour shifts for days in a row. So I haven’t had time to really think about it all. What I’m going to do if anything. Also on Friday my coworker got me a really pretty black dress. I love it so much. 

Love you guys stay strong. I am. 

Last night.

Last night he decided that he just had to see me. When he makes up his mind like that I try to comply and be obedient. I wanted to see him too anyways. It had been two weeks after all. I was scared that he would see my arm. I had relapsed and knew that it wouldn’t go over well with him.  “Why would you cut your beautiful body?” That’s the question he asked me last time. I fade in and out of reality and the past. It’s always the past that makes me do it. The moment I’m living in isn’t that bad. I sit in my room alone with music blasting obnoxiously loud and I look out the window at the birds and other things as they merrily move along their way.

He did not see my arm. He didn’t have a chance to get me out of my clothes last night. It was too risky. Instead his hand slipped down my jeans and teased me as we drove around with food blasting the radio.

“Look at me every once in awhile,” he demanded

“I’m sorry,” I whispered carefully.

“Keep acting like a kidnap victim and maybe I’ll treat you like one.” He tried to lighten the mood.

I remember being embarrassed as I told him he should undo his pants for me. This feeling that I felt obligated to repay the favor. I had to get him off too.

Tonight, I might see him again. I’m really nervous because he will probably see my arm. I might cover it with band aids and say I fell. I hate lying to him though. He said we could spend the evening together tonight if his roommates are going to be out. I’m very excited to see him if he can.  This type of relationship requires honesty and trust between us. A little girl should not lie to her dominant or defy him in any way.

I am a little bit upset though because it has occurred to me that I don’t know how many spankings I’m getting for being a sassy little brat towards him. I won’t know when it’s going to stop. It will hurt to sit. Wish me luck sigh.

Intimacy freaks me out.

All that touchy/love stuff just scares me. Some people find it cute and stuff, but I honestly despise it. I mean I’m down with that sexual goodie goodie gumdrops ish but otherwise imma have to take a pass you guys. Calm down the PDA.

Things I don’t like in a relationship: 

-When the other person gets too clingy and doesn’t let me breathe.

-When my partner tries to take me away from my friends and or always has to hang out with me. C’mon man.

-When someone hugs you so damn tight you can’t even breathe anymore.

-When they don’t remember really important stuff you tell them like things that you don’t like or things that make you uncomfortable.  (I’m not talking about your birthday or anything that’s not a big deal to me honestly who has the time to remember birthdays thanks Facebook for remembering you the real MVP.)

-When they won’t let me pay for stuff because it makes them,”less of a gentleman.”

-When they are overly sexual about everything and are unable to calm down about that sort of thing.

-When they’re paranoid about me or my intentions (totally get it though because same.)

-When things move too fast or too slow. (Never say I love you on the second date you damn fool.)

-When they aren’t emotionally available.

-prolonged direct eye contract freaks me out and embarrasses me.

Things I dig in a relationship: 

-Cuddles and Netflix.

-Neck kisses. (Need I say more, like really?)

-That prime golden music taste

-dominance

-Cute surprises and stuff like that

-Sleeping in his arms.

-Him stroking my hair.

-His eyes are the prettiest blue. I like to look at them.

-showering together (last time I did this I left a red hair in his shower and he got in trouble with his roommates my bad haha.)

-Chinese food.

Making this list made me realize what a contradicting person I am I like closeness, but not too much?

“Waiting here to find the sign that I should take it slow”-a$apRocky

I miss you. I think about you every single day and the worst part is you don’t even care. You don’t even want me. Not anymore. You don’t want to tolerate being hurt anymore by me. I understand because I too am done tolerating people putting me down. I want to say that I’ve changed into a better person and it’s safe to associate with me again, but I know it isn’t. I know I still do all the things that I used to do.

You go out and you get drunk with your friends and you have fun at parties now. You’re social and awesome and everybody wants to be around you because you’re the most fun person to talk to. I should know how many countless hours have I spent Skyping you? We used to skype practically every single day. I used to know everything about you. And I keep dwelling on it because I’m messed up and I can’t find peace.

And after awhile the numbness set in. I stopped trying. I stopped apologizing because you don’t listen anyways.  You think I’m too toxic. I agree…I am.

 

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