I feel more and more alone than ever before in my short 16 years of this dreaded life. Basically my only friend who I felt comfortable talking to about my personal issues and all of that jazz is leaving. So that’s a thing. I feel awful for loathing him a little bit for leaving me behind in my desolate suburban boring life. I like having a friend to just talk to about all my problems and stuff because I can’t talk to a counselor or anything like that. For me personally it’s just associated with bad memories. A sort of reaction to me trying to end my own life rather than a cautionary action when it was clear I was not mentally or emotionally doing well.
It’s difficult, but it’s not like I want to die or anything like that just a little bit down I guess and totally, utterly, completely lonely as all hell man. Vitamin water is kind of gross and you think it’d be good but it’s not that good little did you know. Random thought. My brain is a mess rn if I am being honest. I have rampant thoughts running all through my mind right now. I’m just trying to get everything back together and get my grades back up there again.
I’m trying to keep writing my story, but the characters are at a standstill right now I have the resolution and everything in my head . It’s just realistically making the main character come to this resolution at this point. I have to keep bringing my creative writing teacher the pages. That’s all he ever seems to say, “Bring me pages.”
He intimidates me just a little bit, he expects things from me when I am nothing special I don’t have a gift for dialogue. I just have a way of my characters projecting every single little thing that I wanted to say in my life, but never did because I’m not good at talking. I can write out what I want to say with ease, but actually talking. That’s extremely difficult.
I feel like I missed the lecture where we all learned how to make new friends and all that jazz with ease. One thing it’s not like I have zero friends so you know don’t be thinking oh my lawd this girl is a loser. Even though I would agree with that statement. Loser ln. loserville population me and some of the people I’ve dated. Oops.
Feels bad man. Excuse me while I go figure out this whole life thing.