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Zach. 

Zach. 

You sat across from me with your coffee mug 

Black with no sugar. 

I glanced out the window watching the snowfall

And Madelyn sledding down the hill. 
In her innocence I saw us 

You making hot cocoa with the carefullest delicacy 

After us sledding in -20 degree temperature.

You building a snow fort

Crowning me princess of the castle. 
Christmas music plays fuzzily in the background.

I watch you look dully at your phone

While mom asks how college is. 

It takes me back to when you sang me Christmas hymns 

In a Mickey Mouse voice. 
Mom leaves us alone 

And almost immediately your face turns cold

You insist that mom forced us 

kicking and screaming into this existence.

That every day is a struggle to breathe.
I stare at your body posture

Your hands are wrapped so tightly around the mug that it might break. 

You are a cold engineer fixing capitalism now

Making small talk about the bourgeoisie.

I know you, but that’s because we are both walking art.

I know you, but that’s because we are both walking art.

And one day he will lose control and he will use your body as a punching bag.
You are going to look like a Jackson pollock piece.
When people ask you’ll lie to yourself and say it was your fault,
It was your fault you dressed in such a way that other men looked at you,
That you provoked his jealous tendencies.

And one day your eyes will clear up and you will see him for what he really is,
But then he’ll say,”Hello.”
And you will try your hardest to be strong, but that red notification is so irritating.
Your knees will lock and you will fall.

And one day becomes today, but
It’s too late because you opened up your innermost thoughts to him.
He knows how to pull your strings just right.
It must be getting dark sitting in his closet with all his other skeletons
Like some discarded piece of paper mache.

I don’t write on here that often anymore because I’m trying to live life and not dwell on it.

Hi, what’s up? It’s been a good amount of time. I’m back at normal school this week. Wednesday was my first day back and honestly it has been amazing. I love being back at school. There is just one underlying thing that has been irritating me very much. That would be that I don’t get to turn in my drawing portfolio I have worked on all year. I haven’t worked on it since I got put into outpatient I’ve been focusing on myself. Thus I have 4/12 pieces done for this half of the year oops. That’s ok though. I can retake it next year whatever. It’s just kind of a bummer because everyone’s hyper and excited and turning theirs in and well I’m not…it makes me anxious to be in AP drawing, but I know it doesn’t make me any less than the rest of them.

There was this kid from outpatient and I let him take me in a date. We hung out a total of two times and he became super clingy. Fuck that shit I’m out. We don’t mess with codependency. Also all this other crap is happening too which is a delight, but otherwise I really cannot complain. Let’s just say my “love life” is such a mess I would rather just not date anyone Jesus Christ. The thing he said that bugged me the most is that he believes he’s the only one who can provide me with happiness which is just about the stupidest thing I’ve heard. Not true whatsoever. I’m capable of being happy without a relationship I’m not that delicate.

Last night.

Last night he decided that he just had to see me. When he makes up his mind like that I try to comply and be obedient. I wanted to see him too anyways. It had been two weeks after all. I was scared that he would see my arm. I had relapsed and knew that it wouldn’t go over well with him.  “Why would you cut your beautiful body?” That’s the question he asked me last time. I fade in and out of reality and the past. It’s always the past that makes me do it. The moment I’m living in isn’t that bad. I sit in my room alone with music blasting obnoxiously loud and I look out the window at the birds and other things as they merrily move along their way.

He did not see my arm. He didn’t have a chance to get me out of my clothes last night. It was too risky. Instead his hand slipped down my jeans and teased me as we drove around with food blasting the radio.

“Look at me every once in awhile,” he demanded

“I’m sorry,” I whispered carefully.

“Keep acting like a kidnap victim and maybe I’ll treat you like one.” He tried to lighten the mood.

I remember being embarrassed as I told him he should undo his pants for me. This feeling that I felt obligated to repay the favor. I had to get him off too.

Tonight, I might see him again. I’m really nervous because he will probably see my arm. I might cover it with band aids and say I fell. I hate lying to him though. He said we could spend the evening together tonight if his roommates are going to be out. I’m very excited to see him if he can.  This type of relationship requires honesty and trust between us. A little girl should not lie to her dominant or defy him in any way.

I am a little bit upset though because it has occurred to me that I don’t know how many spankings I’m getting for being a sassy little brat towards him. I won’t know when it’s going to stop. It will hurt to sit. Wish me luck sigh.

Intimacy freaks me out.

All that touchy/love stuff just scares me. Some people find it cute and stuff, but I honestly despise it. I mean I’m down with that sexual goodie goodie gumdrops ish but otherwise imma have to take a pass you guys. Calm down the PDA.

Things I don’t like in a relationship: 

-When the other person gets too clingy and doesn’t let me breathe.

-When my partner tries to take me away from my friends and or always has to hang out with me. C’mon man.

-When someone hugs you so damn tight you can’t even breathe anymore.

-When they don’t remember really important stuff you tell them like things that you don’t like or things that make you uncomfortable.  (I’m not talking about your birthday or anything that’s not a big deal to me honestly who has the time to remember birthdays thanks Facebook for remembering you the real MVP.)

-When they won’t let me pay for stuff because it makes them,”less of a gentleman.”

-When they are overly sexual about everything and are unable to calm down about that sort of thing.

-When they’re paranoid about me or my intentions (totally get it though because same.)

-When things move too fast or too slow. (Never say I love you on the second date you damn fool.)

-When they aren’t emotionally available.

-prolonged direct eye contract freaks me out and embarrasses me.

Things I dig in a relationship: 

-Cuddles and Netflix.

-Neck kisses. (Need I say more, like really?)

-That prime golden music taste

-dominance

-Cute surprises and stuff like that

-Sleeping in his arms.

-Him stroking my hair.

-His eyes are the prettiest blue. I like to look at them.

-showering together (last time I did this I left a red hair in his shower and he got in trouble with his roommates my bad haha.)

-Chinese food.

Making this list made me realize what a contradicting person I am I like closeness, but not too much?

“Waiting here to find the sign that I should take it slow”-a$apRocky

I miss you. I think about you every single day and the worst part is you don’t even care. You don’t even want me. Not anymore. You don’t want to tolerate being hurt anymore by me. I understand because I too am done tolerating people putting me down. I want to say that I’ve changed into a better person and it’s safe to associate with me again, but I know it isn’t. I know I still do all the things that I used to do.

You go out and you get drunk with your friends and you have fun at parties now. You’re social and awesome and everybody wants to be around you because you’re the most fun person to talk to. I should know how many countless hours have I spent Skyping you? We used to skype practically every single day. I used to know everything about you. And I keep dwelling on it because I’m messed up and I can’t find peace.

And after awhile the numbness set in. I stopped trying. I stopped apologizing because you don’t listen anyways.  You think I’m too toxic. I agree…I am.

 

Hey all

so I multiplied out all my hours and stuff and it looks like by next friday if I stop spending money I’ll have about $713ish dollars, but there is room in there for me to spend money for like food and stuff. I decided that I want to save up to get a new phone and after that a laptop. What can I say ambitions lol. My mom is probably gonna have to buy it though then I can do the monthly. I’m not 18 so there’s that whole monthly plan thing that I’m not allowed to do. Well contracting stuff anyways. It’s a pain in the ass I just want to pay it myself and do the monthly myself. I think I can do monthly, but she’ll probably have to initially have to buy the phone.

Damnnnn. Also I turned that girl down I told her I’m not emotionally available. In reality I know it’s just cause I don’t like her and I like the guy I’ve been seeing. I mean shit I told him I love him. Maybe that’s naive. At least I’m aware of it, but I’m not about to lead this girl on when I don’t even like her and I never will. It’s not fair. So I had to do the blunt and honest thing and just say straight up no. That’s probably the best. Rejection hurts, but leading someone on is way worse. It was sort of awkward in school today, but ah well. It’ll go back to normal soon I think.

My next project is this play here’s a start let me know what you guys think :)

IN LOVING MEMORY

A romantic comedy
Littlemissinvisble (that prime replacement of my actual name though).

Elanora- Was a nurse during the Vietnam war and now takes care of her grandchildren while her daughter is busy putting in hours.
Sophie- an elementary schooler who is very idealistic and happens to be eight years old.
Zach- A middle schooler who finds war stuff very interesting like any boy. He is twelve years old and figuring out life for himself.
Lisa- Zach and Sophie’s mom. She loves her children very much, but is very busy as she just got a promotion and is a nurse at a hospital.
Hank- a Vietnam war veteran with a good sense of humor.

Act I

Scene i

A bedroom. Nighttime. Two twin size beds.
Elanora is with her two grandchildren Sophie and Zach.

ELANORA: He was handsome and brave. A true family man.
SOPHIE: Grandma, when did you and grandpa meet?
ELANORA: A long time ago I was a nurse and he was a soldier.
SOPHIE: Wow! Did you see people’s heads explode in Vietnam?
ELANORA: No haha that didn’t happen..but Soph you’re too young to be talking about this.
SOPHIE: My brother Zach says that there were lots of cool explosions and stuff and that if I’m not careful and don’t listen to what he says I could get blown to pieces.
ZACH: Yeah there were also lots of bombings and people lighting themselves up like matches!
ELANORA: Oh my. Let me tell you how it really happened. (Tucks Sophie into bed)
SOPHIE:   Yay.
ELANORA: But you have to be extra quiet and pay attention ok?
ZACH: I’ll pay the most attention.
ELANORA: I was a nurse and there were several young men usually nineteen year olds being drafted into the war effort. One stood out to me he had the most beautiful blue eyes and a captivating smile.
ZACH: This is lame and mushy where’s the good stuff?
SOPHIE: I think it’s romantic.
ELANORA: Hush both of you. It all started when the president told the American people that the north Vietnamese had purposely fired at an American ship at the gulf of Tonkin.
ZACH: I heard that was a lie.
ELANORA: All these men would come to the medical centers with just horrifying wounds from combat, but it was so rewarding to know that I was helping in some way. And besides it was way more interesting than staying at home.
ZACH: Did you ever save somebody’s life?
ELANORA: Yes, I did but it wasn’t like today Zach our resources were so different back then. Want to hear a really cool story?
ZACH: Yes, let’s get to the good stuff.
ELANORA: I remember there was once this man probably in his early twenties or something. He got shot through the cheek he was pouring water through the hole in his cheek (mocks man tilting head) and he kept saying look at what I can do.
ZACH: That’s so cool I want to have a hole in my cheek so I can pour water through it
SOPHIE: No, Zach that’s so gross. How could you eat wouldn’t it just fall out of your cheek?
ZACH: I didn’t think of that.
SOPHIE: Grams are you ever going to love again now that gramps is gone?
ZACH: No way she’s too old.

Scene ii

Doorway to Elanora’s home.

LISA: I hope Sophie was well behaved for you mom.
ELANORA: Oh Sophie is always a joy, but Lisa I really think it’s necessary for you to be around both of them more Zach and Soph.
LISA: I know. I know don’t hassle me I have just been super busy what with this new job promotion and learning everything at the hospital. (Runs hands through hair)
SOPHIE: Grandma told me that in Vietnam people’s heads exploded! And that there was this guy who had a hole in his cheek!
ELANORA: Soph, come on work with me here.
LISA: Mom that’s totally inappropriate.
ZACH: Mom it was the coolest ever and I totally want a hole in my cheek.
LISA: (Looks disappointed towards Elanora) Mother!
ELANORA: Hey I cautioned them and besides it was just a bedtime story!
LISA: Well mom it was good seeing you c’mon Soph, Zach attack. Thank you so much mom.
ELANORA: Anytime love.

Scene iii

The Vietnam veterans memorial. Washington D.C. Elanoara and Zach/Sophie are touring. There are a few visitors and one of them an older gentleman stands out.

ZACH: Wow grams those are a lot of names.
ELANORA: You bet.
SOPHIE: Grams are all these people dead?
ELANORA: Most, yes but some were missing in action.
SOPHIE: What does that mean?
Enter Hank who had been standing nearby.
HANK: It means they went missing during combat and were never found. Some of them are even classified as K.I.A. Or killed in action.
ZACH: Wow, they must’ve gotten blown up that’s so cool!
HANK: Not quite, but it’s a possibility.
ELANORA: (Sarcastically) Oh don’t encourage them.
HANK: I’m so sorry. I’m just very well read on the subject I served with my brother.
ELANORA: No no I really must thank you, I’ve never taken the time to come to the memorial, but after my bedtime story last night Soph and Zach insisted we had to come.
HANK: And I on the other hand visit way too often. I guess you could call me an expert on the memorial. My names Hank it’s nice to meet you all.
ZACH: Yeah it’s nice to meet you too (fist bumps)
SOPHIE: Wow look you can see your reflection in it. (Sticks out tongue)
HANK: Yeah it’s a link between the present and past by letting you see yourself reflected over their names.
ELANORA: That’s so profound.
ZACH: I’m hungry.
SOPHIE: (whiny) Can you stop whining about your stomach for a second? Hank was talking.
HANK: Oh little darlin’ it’s ok don’t you worry about it.
ELANORA: Hank I’m so sorry about Zach’s manners you really must forgive him. Puberty am I right?
ZACH: What’s that?
HANK: That’s quite alright I didn’t mean to interrupt your tour of the memorial miss I just couldn’t help myself. Your grandchildren are just darling and you all seemed a wee bit lost anyways.
ELANORA: Ok ok everybody calm down let’s go and enjoy our lunch and then come back and look at other stuff.
SOPHIE: Did you bring the cookies grams?
ELANORA: Of course sweetheart what kind of grandmother would I be if I didn’t bring chocolate chip cookies for my favorite granddaughter.
ZACH: hurry up you guys.
SOPHIE: Can Hank come too–
ELANORA: –Sweetheart don’t hustle him I’m sure he has other things to attend to.
HANK: Actually I would love to miss if that’s alright with you?
ELANORA: Oh that would be lovely if you’re sure you can spare the time.
HANK: For a lovely lady such as yourself it’d be my pleasure to.

Scene iv

Sitting at a picnic table. Secluded.

HANK: I remember being nervous about leaving my wife Jane behind because we had recently found out she was pregnant with our baby.
ELANORA: My goodness that must have been very nerve wracking for you. At least you got to return home to your sweetheart.
SOPHIE: That’s so romantic grams.
HANK: Actually, my wife died giving child birth I found out months after. The letter took a long time to get to my platoon.
ELANORA: (Places hand over Hank’s) I’m so sorry for your loss.
HANK: It’s alright I can’t stay miserable forever besides that was decades ago.
ZACH: Yeah, you’re like ancient.
SOPHIE: That’s so rude Zachary James.
HANK: It’s alright Soph I mean have you seen my face. It’s so wrinkled it looks like I’m melting.
SOPHIE: (giggles) You’re so silly. Can you tell us more about your story?
HANK: I remember it like it was yesterday. When I first arrived at the base I heard something moving about and I ran into the bushes screaming when a wee pig ran out after me all the men in my platoon laughed hysterically.
ELANORA: That is pretty funny.
ZACH: I wouldn’t of screamed.
SOPHIE: Would too heck you’re scared of spiders.
ZACH: Only the big ones.
ELANORA: (Looks at wristwatch) Oh you guys we had better get going. Hank it was really lovely talking to you. If you ever want to drop by I would happily listen to more stories.
HANK: Will do Ms. um–
ELANORA: –Oh it’s Elanora, but my close friends call me Nora.
HANK: Alright Nora. I’ll see you all around.

Scene v

Patio. Nighttime. Lemonade pitcher on a table. Elanora and Hank sit on a porch swing.

HANK: I think it’s so admirable that you take such good care of them Nora.
ELANORA: Their mom means well, but she just can’t be around lately. Besides I really don’t mind telling a quick story and putting them to bed.
HANK: Still Nora–
ELANORA: I know Hank, but that’s just how it has to be right now. (Places hand over)
HANK: (Sighs) Do you ever think how things could have been if x,y, or even z hadn’t happened?
ELANORA: All the time, but the way I look at it (sighs heavily) well it’s all got to happen for a reason. The people we lose and the people who stick around. It’s all some sort of grand plan.
HANK: There is just so much lost potential Nora. My son and I were never close because I blamed him for what happened to his mother for so long. I was so bitter for such a long time that I didn’t see what was in front of me. Now you’re in front of me and I–
ELANORA: Hank I–
HANK: Nora, I don’t want to lose you or this moment. (Leans in and kisses Nora)
ELANORA: Hank, this is insane we’re way past our prime we couldn’t possibly. I love him, I know he’s gone but–
HANK: This is difficult for me too, but with you everything just makes sense.

Aw man

So I’m pretty sure that this girl in my math class got the wrong impression or that maybe she’s coming onto me. This is so incredibly awkward it’s not like I can just be like oh yeah I’m seeing someone. I mean that’s private anyways (and low key illegal)  I’m not into her at all she’s a pretty cool friend. I wasn’t entirely sure, but I think my suspicions were confirmed today when she gave me a heart chocolate before the test? That’s not something friends do or at least that’s not what my friends and I do. I mean I know she’s lesbian and she knows I’m bisexual so that’s a thing what a joy. Just the way she acts around me is different compared to other people. It’s strange. I might just be overly tired and hallucinating or maybe I’m overly cocky. I don’t really know.

Also I finally got to check out someone yesterday at work about damned time am I right? What even are my priorities right now you guys. Also I have to decide what my next hair color will be? Right now it is red and it makes my blue eyes really pop (not my words). I love the world of hair dye oml. I had blonde hair before and it was just extremely boring so that’s a thing I guess.

Also I think the test went well and I’m not gonna get kicked out of the regular math class so that’s awesome sauce.

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