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littlemissinvisble

It's a bubbly life ^~^

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Trembling at 5:54 a.m.                               Led Zeppelin a mere whisper.                Static. 

Senior year? Adult? I’m not ready…it’s too much. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m not me anymore. 

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Manic pixie dream girl. 

A bubbly cinematic stock character Under the paint of carousel lights    A perfect impresssionistic painting A beautiful face, but not in the way one would think so. 

Pointillism marks encompass your entire being darling.                             Glass jagged it imprinted all the lies you told yourself into your skin.           You were a manic pixie dream girl, but didn’t serve any purpose in his plotline. 

Everything. 

This darling is all the fucked up things you ever said to me over the course of our 6 months together. I’m just jotting them down real quick to release them from my thoughts. 
Here: 

“I wish I had never taken you to meet my mom.” 

“What future? You don’t have one.” 

“Don’t spread your diseases to other people.” 

“Just do your work a favor and end yourself you’re worthless.” 

“I love you.” 

“Oh are you just going to shut down.” 

“How typical the silent treatment.” 

“You suck at doggy style.” 

“Well aren’t you a joy to be around in the morning.” 

“We’re never going out to eat again you can’t even fucking finish your food.” 

To be continued whenever you manipulate me into staying with you. I know the game…act nice until I fall back into the trap. 

Zach. 

Zach. 

You sat across from me with your coffee mug 

Black with no sugar. 

I glanced out the window watching the snowfall

And Madelyn sledding down the hill. 
In her innocence I saw us 

You making hot cocoa with the carefullest delicacy 

After us sledding in -20 degree temperature.

You building a snow fort

Crowning me princess of the castle. 
Christmas music plays fuzzily in the background.

I watch you look dully at your phone

While mom asks how college is. 

It takes me back to when you sang me Christmas hymns 

In a Mickey Mouse voice. 
Mom leaves us alone 

And almost immediately your face turns cold

You insist that mom forced us 

kicking and screaming into this existence.

That every day is a struggle to breathe.
I stare at your body posture

Your hands are wrapped so tightly around the mug that it might break. 

You are a cold engineer fixing capitalism now

Making small talk about the bourgeoisie.

I know you, but that’s because we are both walking art.

I know you, but that’s because we are both walking art.

And one day he will lose control and he will use your body as a punching bag.
You are going to look like a Jackson pollock piece.
When people ask you’ll lie to yourself and say it was your fault,
It was your fault you dressed in such a way that other men looked at you,
That you provoked his jealous tendencies.

And one day your eyes will clear up and you will see him for what he really is,
But then he’ll say,”Hello.”
And you will try your hardest to be strong, but that red notification is so irritating.
Your knees will lock and you will fall.

And one day becomes today, but
It’s too late because you opened up your innermost thoughts to him.
He knows how to pull your strings just right.
It must be getting dark sitting in his closet with all his other skeletons
Like some discarded piece of paper mache.

I don’t write on here that often anymore because I’m trying to live life and not dwell on it.

Hi, what’s up? It’s been a good amount of time. I’m back at normal school this week. Wednesday was my first day back and honestly it has been amazing. I love being back at school. There is just one underlying thing that has been irritating me very much. That would be that I don’t get to turn in my drawing portfolio I have worked on all year. I haven’t worked on it since I got put into outpatient I’ve been focusing on myself. Thus I have 4/12 pieces done for this half of the year oops. That’s ok though. I can retake it next year whatever. It’s just kind of a bummer because everyone’s hyper and excited and turning theirs in and well I’m not…it makes me anxious to be in AP drawing, but I know it doesn’t make me any less than the rest of them.

There was this kid from outpatient and I let him take me in a date. We hung out a total of two times and he became super clingy. Fuck that shit I’m out. We don’t mess with codependency. Also all this other crap is happening too which is a delight, but otherwise I really cannot complain. Let’s just say my “love life” is such a mess I would rather just not date anyone Jesus Christ. The thing he said that bugged me the most is that he believes he’s the only one who can provide me with happiness which is just about the stupidest thing I’ve heard. Not true whatsoever. I’m capable of being happy without a relationship I’m not that delicate.

Last night.

Last night he decided that he just had to see me. When he makes up his mind like that I try to comply and be obedient. I wanted to see him too anyways. It had been two weeks after all. I was scared that he would see my arm. I had relapsed and knew that it wouldn’t go over well with him.  “Why would you cut your beautiful body?” That’s the question he asked me last time. I fade in and out of reality and the past. It’s always the past that makes me do it. The moment I’m living in isn’t that bad. I sit in my room alone with music blasting obnoxiously loud and I look out the window at the birds and other things as they merrily move along their way.

He did not see my arm. He didn’t have a chance to get me out of my clothes last night. It was too risky. Instead his hand slipped down my jeans and teased me as we drove around with food blasting the radio.

“Look at me every once in awhile,” he demanded

“I’m sorry,” I whispered carefully.

“Keep acting like a kidnap victim and maybe I’ll treat you like one.” He tried to lighten the mood.

I remember being embarrassed as I told him he should undo his pants for me. This feeling that I felt obligated to repay the favor. I had to get him off too.

Tonight, I might see him again. I’m really nervous because he will probably see my arm. I might cover it with band aids and say I fell. I hate lying to him though. He said we could spend the evening together tonight if his roommates are going to be out. I’m very excited to see him if he can.  This type of relationship requires honesty and trust between us. A little girl should not lie to her dominant or defy him in any way.

I am a little bit upset though because it has occurred to me that I don’t know how many spankings I’m getting for being a sassy little brat towards him. I won’t know when it’s going to stop. It will hurt to sit. Wish me luck sigh.

Intimacy freaks me out.

All that touchy/love stuff just scares me. Some people find it cute and stuff, but I honestly despise it. I mean I’m down with that sexual goodie goodie gumdrops ish but otherwise imma have to take a pass you guys. Calm down the PDA.

Things I don’t like in a relationship: 

-When the other person gets too clingy and doesn’t let me breathe.

-When my partner tries to take me away from my friends and or always has to hang out with me. C’mon man.

-When someone hugs you so damn tight you can’t even breathe anymore.

-When they don’t remember really important stuff you tell them like things that you don’t like or things that make you uncomfortable.  (I’m not talking about your birthday or anything that’s not a big deal to me honestly who has the time to remember birthdays thanks Facebook for remembering you the real MVP.)

-When they won’t let me pay for stuff because it makes them,”less of a gentleman.”

-When they are overly sexual about everything and are unable to calm down about that sort of thing.

-When they’re paranoid about me or my intentions (totally get it though because same.)

-When things move too fast or too slow. (Never say I love you on the second date you damn fool.)

-When they aren’t emotionally available.

-prolonged direct eye contract freaks me out and embarrasses me.

Things I dig in a relationship: 

-Cuddles and Netflix.

-Neck kisses. (Need I say more, like really?)

-That prime golden music taste

-dominance

-Cute surprises and stuff like that

-Sleeping in his arms.

-Him stroking my hair.

-His eyes are the prettiest blue. I like to look at them.

-showering together (last time I did this I left a red hair in his shower and he got in trouble with his roommates my bad haha.)

-Chinese food.

Making this list made me realize what a contradicting person I am I like closeness, but not too much?

“Waiting here to find the sign that I should take it slow”-a$apRocky

I miss you. I think about you every single day and the worst part is you don’t even care. You don’t even want me. Not anymore. You don’t want to tolerate being hurt anymore by me. I understand because I too am done tolerating people putting me down. I want to say that I’ve changed into a better person and it’s safe to associate with me again, but I know it isn’t. I know I still do all the things that I used to do.

You go out and you get drunk with your friends and you have fun at parties now. You’re social and awesome and everybody wants to be around you because you’re the most fun person to talk to. I should know how many countless hours have I spent Skyping you? We used to skype practically every single day. I used to know everything about you. And I keep dwelling on it because I’m messed up and I can’t find peace.

And after awhile the numbness set in. I stopped trying. I stopped apologizing because you don’t listen anyways.  You think I’m too toxic. I agree…I am.

 

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