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littlemissinvisble

It's a bubbly life ^~^

I know you, but that’s because we are both walking art.

I know you, but that’s because we are both walking art.

And one day he will lose control and he will use your body as a punching bag.
You are going to look like a Jackson pollock piece.
When people ask you’ll lie to yourself and say it was your fault,
It was your fault you dressed in such a way that other men looked at you,
That you provoked his jealous tendencies.

And one day your eyes will clear up and you will see him for what he really is,
But then he’ll say,”Hello.”
And you will try your hardest to be strong, but that red notification is so irritating.
Your knees will lock and you will fall.

And one day becomes today, but
It’s too late because you opened up your innermost thoughts to him.
He knows how to pull your strings just right.
It must be getting dark sitting in his closet with all his other skeletons
Like some discarded piece of paper mache.

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Shattered (poem by me)

(The formatting always gets fucked up and I’m too lazy to fix it.) 
Shattered

You told me jokingly that I am a glass half empty type of girl 
That you were a glass half full type of gentleman 

The significance of this did not make much sense at the time 

I looked both ways

I left the gun carefully kept away 

I gaged the amount of alcohol in my bloodstream 

The glass was more than half empty it was definitely half full 
You wandered aimlessly between cars 

Anything you could get with the money from your crappy 9 to 5 job you took 

Glass jagged it imprinted all the lies you told yourself into your skin 

A good friend once told me that it doesn’t matter 

The glass is always full half of air and half of water 

Neither of our cups were empty 

Either way the glass sits right there for everyone to see
You carried your glass in front of you faking fulfillment 

I like so many other people didn’t see the small chip in your cup 

Until all the water was dripping out of it onto your clothes and into the ground

Here’s that post I promised you lol. 

Ok so my love life…or my mess? 

Right so that guy who I’ve been seeing since February is possessive and paranoid and lowkey telling me how to dress so that other people don’t look at me. So that’s a thing, but when I am with him I feel so special…like a princess. My friend says that it’s asshole syndrome he acts like an ass 90% of the time so the 10% that he is nice it seems amazing. Maybe that’s true…? I don’t know. 

The kid from outpatient has chilled out, but I can’t get him to admit that he is clingy as fuck. Oh well. 

The friend who told me about the asshole syndrome is way too nice. I don’t feel like I deserve him. I like him, but I just don’t deserve someone that nice. I feel like it’s been beaten into me that I don’t deserve to be treated nicely all the time. That’s an awful way to think. I wish I didn’t feel that way. I like this friend very much, but it’s too much. I don’t deserve him. 

I deserve to be disciplined and treated like a princess when I am good. That’s how it’s always been. 

Feedback? 

Escape from the system 

The keys were left carelessly in the ignition 

How could you have been so forgetful

I crept through the bushes and got in the truck no stick shift this time

Suddenly the curtains flew open…had you seen me? 
Ignition, keys in. 

Sober this time conscious of our decision 
Down the street my buddy hops in passenger seat 

Eagerly we set down the freeway 

And a single state trooper spots us 

Taking off at 100 miles per hour 

Hoodie up obscuring my face 
Initially this seemed like a good idea 

Sirens blare in the background 

Now the cop cars multiply 

“Tell me now if you want to get out of this or put your seatbelt on if you want to stay.” 

Inside the truck a single click 

Thousands of cars clear the way for the maniac 
Ominous deafening silence 

Roadside kill 
Still I have an idea 

Or I hope I do 

Miles pass by 

Every couple seconds another cop joins

Train, a single narrow continuity 

How even then the math and the angles I needed to contemplate 

In order to get around the train and leave the state trooper in the dust 

Not a good idea 

Gage the distance between us 
Lines of cop cars a funeral procession 

Instantaneously, a spike strip 

Kindred looks at me 

Even then hope remanant in his eyes 
It spread across the windshield like a spider web 

Time stopped 

I don’t write on here that often anymore because I’m trying to live life and not dwell on it.

Hi, what’s up? It’s been a good amount of time. I’m back at normal school this week. Wednesday was my first day back and honestly it has been amazing. I love being back at school. There is just one underlying thing that has been irritating me very much. That would be that I don’t get to turn in my drawing portfolio I have worked on all year. I haven’t worked on it since I got put into outpatient I’ve been focusing on myself. Thus I have 4/12 pieces done for this half of the year oops. That’s ok though. I can retake it next year whatever. It’s just kind of a bummer because everyone’s hyper and excited and turning theirs in and well I’m not…it makes me anxious to be in AP drawing, but I know it doesn’t make me any less than the rest of them.

There was this kid from outpatient and I let him take me in a date. We hung out a total of two times and he became super clingy. Fuck that shit I’m out. We don’t mess with codependency. Also all this other crap is happening too which is a delight, but otherwise I really cannot complain. Let’s just say my “love life” is such a mess I would rather just not date anyone Jesus Christ. The thing he said that bugged me the most is that he believes he’s the only one who can provide me with happiness which is just about the stupidest thing I’ve heard. Not true whatsoever. I’m capable of being happy without a relationship I’m not that delicate.

Perspective. 

Perspective, the way we see things. Narrow minded or open minded? That’s all up to you. That’s what I’ve learned. 

Today I came out to my mom as bisexual in family therapy it was the most scary thing I’ve ever done. She started crying and told me, “*insert my name here*  you’re a beautiful and smart girl and you deserve to be happy and I love you no matter what.” 

It felt underwhelming. I thought she was going to tell me to go to hell because of the church she attends. The people there are narrow minded so I in a way stereotyped her as one of them. That makes me the narrow minded one doesn’t it? She told me it doesn’t matter because I’m me and even though she is sad we don’t share the same beliefs that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. She told me if I get anything out of outpatient she wants me to be able to be more accepting of myself and to stop pushing her away because I pushed so hard she took a step back. I hadn’t considered that…

A lot has happened. 

On Sunday I got the cops called on me because my friend thought I was suicidal after she saw my cut up arm. I won’t go too much into that because it’s messed up, but I’m not angry with her. She did what she thought she had to do to care for a friend. I’m in outpatient now. If you don’t know what that is look it up because I don’t care to explain its a mess. 

I blocked him after he told me to suck it up and stop being depressed because I can’t just stop that’s stupid. He’s negative for me. He made a fake snapchat and I wasn’t going to add it till I saw “insertmynameheresdaddy” and I was like what in the world. He apologized and said he loves me. I don’t feel the same at all. He is manipulative. I told him it’s over he ignored me and just said “um no that’s not how this works.” 

Age does not always equal maturity I guess. That sucks. He keeps talking to me like I’m his. If he comes anywhere near me (because he knows where I work and where I live) then I will be scared. Right now I’m just freaked out a little. He’s possessive and insists I am his soulmate. 

Basically I am working on myself and taking outpatient more seriously now. Originally I wasn’t. I was angry I had to be there, but I have things motivating me now to do my best to get out. 

-my friend is being bullied by a girl who is manipulative and oversensitive(I know this because I used to be friends with the bitch) 

-I want to continue work on my portfolio 

-I want to go to regular school very badly 

-I want my normal life back. 

How have you guys been? I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. Therapy is very stressful. 

Lifeupdate. 

I have become very popular on snapchat. It’s weird because normally I’m not that popular. Then again it is mostly fuckbois. 

I met up with him last night. We spent the night together and I was so depressed I couldn’t even look him in the eyes when I said I loved him. I started crying about it. It was pathetic. I have a hugeass belt mark across my ass from my punishment and also hand marks. I’m pale so it’s not that difficult to leave your mark on me. We fucked a total of 6 times (that night and the next morning). I am sore and it hurts to sit. He kept making me drink alcohol because he bought it for me and money’s right right now. It would be rude if I didn’t drink it. He was hitting it from behind and I just kept saying in my head again and again (please please please be done). 

When he was done I swallowed it all. Then I ran to the bathroom and coughed and threw up. He made me bleed down there, I got a nosebleed, and I threw up. It was all very intense to say the least. I downed like 4 drinks. 

It wasn’t all sex though. It was sweet the next morning he took me to see beauty and beast. All the songs are stuck in my head now. We cuddled so hardcore. It was euphoric. Except work today has not been fun. I am so hungover. 

I tried to kill myself. 

It was Wednesday night first day of spring break. I told him I hurt myself and he flipped out on me. I apologized, but he wouldn’t shut up about how I don’t care about him if I’m hurting myself. That’s not even how it works? When you’re having a panic attack you don’t just think of someone and it’s all better. He said some extremely harsh things to me and made me feel small and useless. 

My coworker who I’ve become close to talked me down along with some other friends. The next day (Thursday) I went out to lunch with a guy I’ve been talking to for awhile because I was angry at him for making me feel so useless and depressed and blaming me for everything. While I’m sitting across the table from this guy he snapchats me,”I’m sorry I love you hunnie.” I don’t even flinch, “I love you too.” 

He acts like it never happened and like he never said the things he said to me about me. Now he’s back to saying he misses me and he loves me. It’s fucking confusing and it hurts my head, but I’m not the same around him anymore. It’s hard to be after he hurt me like that….maybe I’m just being sensitive. I don’t think I am if something hurts you it hurts you and I can’t help it. 

I have been busy working six hour shifts for days in a row. So I haven’t had time to really think about it all. What I’m going to do if anything. Also on Friday my coworker got me a really pretty black dress. I love it so much. 

Love you guys stay strong. I am. 

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