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littlemissinvisble

It's a bubbly life ^~^

A lot has happened. 

On Sunday I got the cops called on me because my friend thought I was suicidal after she saw my cut up arm. I won’t go too much into that because it’s messed up, but I’m not angry with her. She did what she thought she had to do to care for a friend. I’m in outpatient now. If you don’t know what that is look it up because I don’t care to explain its a mess. 

I blocked him after he told me to suck it up and stop being depressed because I can’t just stop that’s stupid. He’s negative for me. He made a fake snapchat and I wasn’t going to add it till I saw “insertmynameheresdaddy” and I was like what in the world. He apologized and said he loves me. I don’t feel the same at all. He is manipulative. I told him it’s over he ignored me and just said “um no that’s not how this works.” 

Age does not always equal maturity I guess. That sucks. He keeps talking to me like I’m his. If he comes anywhere near me (because he knows where I work and where I live) then I will be scared. Right now I’m just freaked out a little. He’s possessive and insists I am his soulmate. 

Basically I am working on myself and taking outpatient more seriously now. Originally I wasn’t. I was angry I had to be there, but I have things motivating me now to do my best to get out. 

-my friend is being bullied by a girl who is manipulative and oversensitive(I know this because I used to be friends with the bitch) 

-I want to continue work on my portfolio 

-I want to go to regular school very badly 

-I want my normal life back. 

How have you guys been? I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. Therapy is very stressful. 

Lifeupdate. 

I have become very popular on snapchat. It’s weird because normally I’m not that popular. Then again it is mostly fuckbois. 

I met up with him last night. We spent the night together and I was so depressed I couldn’t even look him in the eyes when I said I loved him. I started crying about it. It was pathetic. I have a hugeass belt mark across my ass from my punishment and also hand marks. I’m pale so it’s not that difficult to leave your mark on me. We fucked a total of 6 times (that night and the next morning). I am sore and it hurts to sit. He kept making me drink alcohol because he bought it for me and money’s right right now. It would be rude if I didn’t drink it. He was hitting it from behind and I just kept saying in my head again and again (please please please be done). 

When he was done I swallowed it all. Then I ran to the bathroom and coughed and threw up. He made me bleed down there, I got a nosebleed, and I threw up. It was all very intense to say the least. I downed like 4 drinks. 

It wasn’t all sex though. It was sweet the next morning he took me to see beauty and beast. All the songs are stuck in my head now. We cuddled so hardcore. It was euphoric. Except work today has not been fun. I am so hungover. 

I tried to kill myself. 

It was Wednesday night first day of spring break. I told him I hurt myself and he flipped out on me. I apologized, but he wouldn’t shut up about how I don’t care about him if I’m hurting myself. That’s not even how it works? When you’re having a panic attack you don’t just think of someone and it’s all better. He said some extremely harsh things to me and made me feel small and useless. 

My coworker who I’ve become close to talked me down along with some other friends. The next day (Thursday) I went out to lunch with a guy I’ve been talking to for awhile because I was angry at him for making me feel so useless and depressed and blaming me for everything. While I’m sitting across the table from this guy he snapchats me,”I’m sorry I love you hunnie.” I don’t even flinch, “I love you too.” 

He acts like it never happened and like he never said the things he said to me about me. Now he’s back to saying he misses me and he loves me. It’s fucking confusing and it hurts my head, but I’m not the same around him anymore. It’s hard to be after he hurt me like that….maybe I’m just being sensitive. I don’t think I am if something hurts you it hurts you and I can’t help it. 

I have been busy working six hour shifts for days in a row. So I haven’t had time to really think about it all. What I’m going to do if anything. Also on Friday my coworker got me a really pretty black dress. I love it so much. 

Love you guys stay strong. I am. 

Last night.

Last night he decided that he just had to see me. When he makes up his mind like that I try to comply and be obedient. I wanted to see him too anyways. It had been two weeks after all. I was scared that he would see my arm. I had relapsed and knew that it wouldn’t go over well with him.  “Why would you cut your beautiful body?” That’s the question he asked me last time. I fade in and out of reality and the past. It’s always the past that makes me do it. The moment I’m living in isn’t that bad. I sit in my room alone with music blasting obnoxiously loud and I look out the window at the birds and other things as they merrily move along their way.

He did not see my arm. He didn’t have a chance to get me out of my clothes last night. It was too risky. Instead his hand slipped down my jeans and teased me as we drove around with food blasting the radio.

“Look at me every once in awhile,” he demanded

“I’m sorry,” I whispered carefully.

“Keep acting like a kidnap victim and maybe I’ll treat you like one.” He tried to lighten the mood.

I remember being embarrassed as I told him he should undo his pants for me. This feeling that I felt obligated to repay the favor. I had to get him off too.

Tonight, I might see him again. I’m really nervous because he will probably see my arm. I might cover it with band aids and say I fell. I hate lying to him though. He said we could spend the evening together tonight if his roommates are going to be out. I’m very excited to see him if he can.  This type of relationship requires honesty and trust between us. A little girl should not lie to her dominant or defy him in any way.

I am a little bit upset though because it has occurred to me that I don’t know how many spankings I’m getting for being a sassy little brat towards him. I won’t know when it’s going to stop. It will hurt to sit. Wish me luck sigh.

Intimacy freaks me out.

All that touchy/love stuff just scares me. Some people find it cute and stuff, but I honestly despise it. I mean I’m down with that sexual goodie goodie gumdrops ish but otherwise imma have to take a pass you guys. Calm down the PDA.

Things I don’t like in a relationship: 

-When the other person gets too clingy and doesn’t let me breathe.

-When my partner tries to take me away from my friends and or always has to hang out with me. C’mon man.

-When someone hugs you so damn tight you can’t even breathe anymore.

-When they don’t remember really important stuff you tell them like things that you don’t like or things that make you uncomfortable.  (I’m not talking about your birthday or anything that’s not a big deal to me honestly who has the time to remember birthdays thanks Facebook for remembering you the real MVP.)

-When they won’t let me pay for stuff because it makes them,”less of a gentleman.”

-When they are overly sexual about everything and are unable to calm down about that sort of thing.

-When they’re paranoid about me or my intentions (totally get it though because same.)

-When things move too fast or too slow. (Never say I love you on the second date you damn fool.)

-When they aren’t emotionally available.

-prolonged direct eye contract freaks me out and embarrasses me.

Things I dig in a relationship: 

-Cuddles and Netflix.

-Neck kisses. (Need I say more, like really?)

-That prime golden music taste

-dominance

-Cute surprises and stuff like that

-Sleeping in his arms.

-Him stroking my hair.

-His eyes are the prettiest blue. I like to look at them.

-showering together (last time I did this I left a red hair in his shower and he got in trouble with his roommates my bad haha.)

-Chinese food.

Making this list made me realize what a contradicting person I am I like closeness, but not too much?

“Waiting here to find the sign that I should take it slow”-a$apRocky

I miss you. I think about you every single day and the worst part is you don’t even care. You don’t even want me. Not anymore. You don’t want to tolerate being hurt anymore by me. I understand because I too am done tolerating people putting me down. I want to say that I’ve changed into a better person and it’s safe to associate with me again, but I know it isn’t. I know I still do all the things that I used to do.

You go out and you get drunk with your friends and you have fun at parties now. You’re social and awesome and everybody wants to be around you because you’re the most fun person to talk to. I should know how many countless hours have I spent Skyping you? We used to skype practically every single day. I used to know everything about you. And I keep dwelling on it because I’m messed up and I can’t find peace.

And after awhile the numbness set in. I stopped trying. I stopped apologizing because you don’t listen anyways.  You think I’m too toxic. I agree…I am.

 

Hey all

so I multiplied out all my hours and stuff and it looks like by next friday if I stop spending money I’ll have about $713ish dollars, but there is room in there for me to spend money for like food and stuff. I decided that I want to save up to get a new phone and after that a laptop. What can I say ambitions lol. My mom is probably gonna have to buy it though then I can do the monthly. I’m not 18 so there’s that whole monthly plan thing that I’m not allowed to do. Well contracting stuff anyways. It’s a pain in the ass I just want to pay it myself and do the monthly myself. I think I can do monthly, but she’ll probably have to initially have to buy the phone.

Damnnnn. Also I turned that girl down I told her I’m not emotionally available. In reality I know it’s just cause I don’t like her and I like the guy I’ve been seeing. I mean shit I told him I love him. Maybe that’s naive. At least I’m aware of it, but I’m not about to lead this girl on when I don’t even like her and I never will. It’s not fair. So I had to do the blunt and honest thing and just say straight up no. That’s probably the best. Rejection hurts, but leading someone on is way worse. It was sort of awkward in school today, but ah well. It’ll go back to normal soon I think.

I was right haha 

Today she wrote me a note telling me she likes me and asking me out to a movie. I told her I have work which is true so it’s not like I lied. I won’t be a dick and lead her on or anything like that, but I know that right now I’m emotionally a wreck so I shouldn’t be invested in anyone I get too codependent and then I call it love. That’s how it’s always happened. 

I didn’t wanna assume she liked me and be cocky, but she acts differently around me so. 

It’s ok to tell your partner things, but it’s not alright to unload all your emotions on them so. Yeah. 

Other than that it was a normal day I guess. Just gotta figure out what to do about this situation. I got a weekend I guess lol. 

My next project is this play here’s a start let me know what you guys think :)

IN LOVING MEMORY

A romantic comedy
Littlemissinvisble (that prime replacement of my actual name though).

Elanora- Was a nurse during the Vietnam war and now takes care of her grandchildren while her daughter is busy putting in hours.
Sophie- an elementary schooler who is very idealistic and happens to be eight years old.
Zach- A middle schooler who finds war stuff very interesting like any boy. He is twelve years old and figuring out life for himself.
Lisa- Zach and Sophie’s mom. She loves her children very much, but is very busy as she just got a promotion and is a nurse at a hospital.
Hank- a Vietnam war veteran with a good sense of humor.

Act I

Scene i

A bedroom. Nighttime. Two twin size beds.
Elanora is with her two grandchildren Sophie and Zach.

ELANORA: He was handsome and brave. A true family man.
SOPHIE: Grandma, when did you and grandpa meet?
ELANORA: A long time ago I was a nurse and he was a soldier.
SOPHIE: Wow! Did you see people’s heads explode in Vietnam?
ELANORA: No haha that didn’t happen..but Soph you’re too young to be talking about this.
SOPHIE: My brother Zach says that there were lots of cool explosions and stuff and that if I’m not careful and don’t listen to what he says I could get blown to pieces.
ZACH: Yeah there were also lots of bombings and people lighting themselves up like matches!
ELANORA: Oh my. Let me tell you how it really happened. (Tucks Sophie into bed)
SOPHIE:   Yay.
ELANORA: But you have to be extra quiet and pay attention ok?
ZACH: I’ll pay the most attention.
ELANORA: I was a nurse and there were several young men usually nineteen year olds being drafted into the war effort. One stood out to me he had the most beautiful blue eyes and a captivating smile.
ZACH: This is lame and mushy where’s the good stuff?
SOPHIE: I think it’s romantic.
ELANORA: Hush both of you. It all started when the president told the American people that the north Vietnamese had purposely fired at an American ship at the gulf of Tonkin.
ZACH: I heard that was a lie.
ELANORA: All these men would come to the medical centers with just horrifying wounds from combat, but it was so rewarding to know that I was helping in some way. And besides it was way more interesting than staying at home.
ZACH: Did you ever save somebody’s life?
ELANORA: Yes, I did but it wasn’t like today Zach our resources were so different back then. Want to hear a really cool story?
ZACH: Yes, let’s get to the good stuff.
ELANORA: I remember there was once this man probably in his early twenties or something. He got shot through the cheek he was pouring water through the hole in his cheek (mocks man tilting head) and he kept saying look at what I can do.
ZACH: That’s so cool I want to have a hole in my cheek so I can pour water through it
SOPHIE: No, Zach that’s so gross. How could you eat wouldn’t it just fall out of your cheek?
ZACH: I didn’t think of that.
SOPHIE: Grams are you ever going to love again now that gramps is gone?
ZACH: No way she’s too old.

Scene ii

Doorway to Elanora’s home.

LISA: I hope Sophie was well behaved for you mom.
ELANORA: Oh Sophie is always a joy, but Lisa I really think it’s necessary for you to be around both of them more Zach and Soph.
LISA: I know. I know don’t hassle me I have just been super busy what with this new job promotion and learning everything at the hospital. (Runs hands through hair)
SOPHIE: Grandma told me that in Vietnam people’s heads exploded! And that there was this guy who had a hole in his cheek!
ELANORA: Soph, come on work with me here.
LISA: Mom that’s totally inappropriate.
ZACH: Mom it was the coolest ever and I totally want a hole in my cheek.
LISA: (Looks disappointed towards Elanora) Mother!
ELANORA: Hey I cautioned them and besides it was just a bedtime story!
LISA: Well mom it was good seeing you c’mon Soph, Zach attack. Thank you so much mom.
ELANORA: Anytime love.

Scene iii

The Vietnam veterans memorial. Washington D.C. Elanoara and Zach/Sophie are touring. There are a few visitors and one of them an older gentleman stands out.

ZACH: Wow grams those are a lot of names.
ELANORA: You bet.
SOPHIE: Grams are all these people dead?
ELANORA: Most, yes but some were missing in action.
SOPHIE: What does that mean?
Enter Hank who had been standing nearby.
HANK: It means they went missing during combat and were never found. Some of them are even classified as K.I.A. Or killed in action.
ZACH: Wow, they must’ve gotten blown up that’s so cool!
HANK: Not quite, but it’s a possibility.
ELANORA: (Sarcastically) Oh don’t encourage them.
HANK: I’m so sorry. I’m just very well read on the subject I served with my brother.
ELANORA: No no I really must thank you, I’ve never taken the time to come to the memorial, but after my bedtime story last night Soph and Zach insisted we had to come.
HANK: And I on the other hand visit way too often. I guess you could call me an expert on the memorial. My names Hank it’s nice to meet you all.
ZACH: Yeah it’s nice to meet you too (fist bumps)
SOPHIE: Wow look you can see your reflection in it. (Sticks out tongue)
HANK: Yeah it’s a link between the present and past by letting you see yourself reflected over their names.
ELANORA: That’s so profound.
ZACH: I’m hungry.
SOPHIE: (whiny) Can you stop whining about your stomach for a second? Hank was talking.
HANK: Oh little darlin’ it’s ok don’t you worry about it.
ELANORA: Hank I’m so sorry about Zach’s manners you really must forgive him. Puberty am I right?
ZACH: What’s that?
HANK: That’s quite alright I didn’t mean to interrupt your tour of the memorial miss I just couldn’t help myself. Your grandchildren are just darling and you all seemed a wee bit lost anyways.
ELANORA: Ok ok everybody calm down let’s go and enjoy our lunch and then come back and look at other stuff.
SOPHIE: Did you bring the cookies grams?
ELANORA: Of course sweetheart what kind of grandmother would I be if I didn’t bring chocolate chip cookies for my favorite granddaughter.
ZACH: hurry up you guys.
SOPHIE: Can Hank come too–
ELANORA: –Sweetheart don’t hustle him I’m sure he has other things to attend to.
HANK: Actually I would love to miss if that’s alright with you?
ELANORA: Oh that would be lovely if you’re sure you can spare the time.
HANK: For a lovely lady such as yourself it’d be my pleasure to.

Scene iv

Sitting at a picnic table. Secluded.

HANK: I remember being nervous about leaving my wife Jane behind because we had recently found out she was pregnant with our baby.
ELANORA: My goodness that must have been very nerve wracking for you. At least you got to return home to your sweetheart.
SOPHIE: That’s so romantic grams.
HANK: Actually, my wife died giving child birth I found out months after. The letter took a long time to get to my platoon.
ELANORA: (Places hand over Hank’s) I’m so sorry for your loss.
HANK: It’s alright I can’t stay miserable forever besides that was decades ago.
ZACH: Yeah, you’re like ancient.
SOPHIE: That’s so rude Zachary James.
HANK: It’s alright Soph I mean have you seen my face. It’s so wrinkled it looks like I’m melting.
SOPHIE: (giggles) You’re so silly. Can you tell us more about your story?
HANK: I remember it like it was yesterday. When I first arrived at the base I heard something moving about and I ran into the bushes screaming when a wee pig ran out after me all the men in my platoon laughed hysterically.
ELANORA: That is pretty funny.
ZACH: I wouldn’t of screamed.
SOPHIE: Would too heck you’re scared of spiders.
ZACH: Only the big ones.
ELANORA: (Looks at wristwatch) Oh you guys we had better get going. Hank it was really lovely talking to you. If you ever want to drop by I would happily listen to more stories.
HANK: Will do Ms. um–
ELANORA: –Oh it’s Elanora, but my close friends call me Nora.
HANK: Alright Nora. I’ll see you all around.

Scene v

Patio. Nighttime. Lemonade pitcher on a table. Elanora and Hank sit on a porch swing.

HANK: I think it’s so admirable that you take such good care of them Nora.
ELANORA: Their mom means well, but she just can’t be around lately. Besides I really don’t mind telling a quick story and putting them to bed.
HANK: Still Nora–
ELANORA: I know Hank, but that’s just how it has to be right now. (Places hand over)
HANK: (Sighs) Do you ever think how things could have been if x,y, or even z hadn’t happened?
ELANORA: All the time, but the way I look at it (sighs heavily) well it’s all got to happen for a reason. The people we lose and the people who stick around. It’s all some sort of grand plan.
HANK: There is just so much lost potential Nora. My son and I were never close because I blamed him for what happened to his mother for so long. I was so bitter for such a long time that I didn’t see what was in front of me. Now you’re in front of me and I–
ELANORA: Hank I–
HANK: Nora, I don’t want to lose you or this moment. (Leans in and kisses Nora)
ELANORA: Hank, this is insane we’re way past our prime we couldn’t possibly. I love him, I know he’s gone but–
HANK: This is difficult for me too, but with you everything just makes sense.

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